An Earthen Vessel

New Years Resolutions - kind of - and Mint.com

2011-01-03T15:15:00.000-08:00

I know, I know - perfunctory post about New Years resolutions. But mine has a slight twist - I resolve to stop obsessing about things and use that time to do stuff I really enjoy.

I get into these phases where I'm really interested and obsessed with one topic - ie. personal finance, running, weight lifting, dieting, simplicity - but I get obsessed and spend massive amounts of time doing google searches and reading blogs. Checking and rechecking the same website, over and over again. It's not healthy, even if they are self-improving categories.

So my resolution is to stop obsessing. I'm doing pretty well so far - 70% there - it's a good start. So this is what I've done:

I have on my firefox toolbar the series of websites I want to see everyday:
- BBC News
- Pandora
- Gmail
- Google Reader
- Facebook
- Mint (more on this in a second)
- Weight Watchers
(taken away from that toolbar: Student Doctor Network - that's just too much of a trigger for obsession).

Normally, in the morning, I'd spend about an hour and a half on those various websites (including the time I'd take to eat breakfast) - talk about a time suck - and another 30 minutes getting ready.
So I decided to limit myself and set a new morning routine:
Wake up
5 min - Wash face, contacts, yoga pants
20 minutes - light yoga, vinyasa.
30 minutes - Coffee #1&2, Bible Reading, Breakfast.
20 minutes - Getting ready (what can I say? I'm a simple girl.) and news on NPR.
15 minutes (or whatever is left over) - looking at those websites only! Coffee #3

I'm sure I'll play with the times, cutting them down when I go back to clinics.

I can already tell the time suck is down significantly. In a way this makes my morning routine more complicated but also much simpler. And I feel more energized (the yoga) and more grounded (the devotional) each morning.

But the big thing is: this year, I give myself permission to fail at this. Too often in my life I've let the perfect be the enemy of the good. I know that some mornings won't fall into this little routine. I'll sleep in and be running out the door 20 minutes late. But I'm determined to pick myself up when I fall.

=========

And finally! MINT.COM

If you're like me, you spend money like a sieve when you don't have a budget. I tried all the suggestions - spend cash, keep receipts, track it. But none of them worked for me until I found this little beauty. Tie all you online accounts to it and it automatically takes your credit card purchases and place them into a budget (plus you'll get email reminders when you're close to budget or over budget on a category!) Even has tools to help you budget for goals!

Plus, it's all encrypted with the same system as Yodlee (another great website but just not user friendly enough for me!) so it's pretty darn safe - as safe as the internet can be!

I log on each morning to see what payments have posted to my credit card, tweak the categories if need be, and a quick glance at the budget page to remind myself of where I am for the month. It's been very helpful so far.

Though linking my med school loans to my account might have been a mistake - I get angina every time I see that number. 28 and 6 digits in debt. FAN-tastic.

Fantastic Book!

2011-01-01T10:11:00.000-08:00

I just had to share a book I recently finished: The Elegance of the Hedgehog

Honestly, one of the best books I've read in ages. The prose is exquisite - I constantly felt like I was indulging in some kind of rich dark chocolate with every page. At the risk of sounding snobbish, the book seemed to satisfy some deep intellectual craving I don't think I consciously realized I was having.

To me there is something really beautiful about an autodidact. I wish I had the freedom to self-direct my learning like that. At the moment I feel like the next few months are just a burden before I get to a place where I can learn and live my greatest passion (not unlike how I felt anticipating medical school. Guess the hurdle just keeps getting moving.)

Ideas...

2010-12-26T07:52:00.000-08:00

It never fails that every time I move I start to hate stuff. Vehemently hate stuff. I hate cleaning it, I hate packing it and oh man do I loathe moving it. When I pack for a move I find myself only taking things that have some kind of sentimental value but the rest gets tossed.

Man I hate stuff.

Recently I've been reading a lot about living a simple life. In Richard Foster's Book The Celebration of Discipline, devotes an entire chapter to simplicity. Foster talks about the motivation behind Christian simplicity is different than the motivation behind secular simplicity. He points out that Christian simplicity finds its roots in living your life to bring about the Kingdom of God. If the desire for simplicity springs from any other source in the Christian life, it is doomed to fail.

I like that idea because it helps me explain this strange desire to shove off my stuff. I think buried deep in my psyche, I understand that too much stuff keeps me from God.

In the past, for Lent, I've tried to make my Lent season reflect two ideas: 1. Abstain from a bad habit to bring my mind more to focus on God in my life and 2. Add a good habit (to bring my mind more to focus on God in my life).

For instance, two years ago I gave up using credit cards for Lent and spent only cash on the things I needed. Made me realize how much I really do spend. In addition I tried to read more on the Bible's wisdom about money. It was an eye-opening Lent.

So with Lent in mind, I started reading more about minimalism and the Christian idea of simplicity. Luckily (or maybe more than luck), I stumbled across Project 333. A summary of the project - to go 3 months wearing only 33 items of clothing. Outerwear, shoes, purses and jewelry count towards the 33. Work-out clothes, mandated uniforms for work, underwear and sleepwear to not count towards the total.

So I decided to modify the idea slightly for my own project. I'm going to go for the 3 months leading up to Easter with 33 items of clothing. So starting 1/24/2011 til 4/24/2011 I will be wearing only 33 items of clothing.

My good habit to add will be to take the time I would have spent picking out clothes and devote it to more quiet time in the morning, specifically working on the "Study" Discipline outlined in Foster's book.

I don't hold myself up to be a person of strong faith. I depend on those around me who have a deeper relationship with God and a better knowledge of scripture to help me along the way. Therefore, I know this venture won't be perfect because I'm not perfect. However, the next few months of my life will be very stressful. Making my match list, waiting for match day, my sub-internship, APEX, etc. If there was ever a time in my life I thought I needed God, this is it.

When I think about God's view on me when I'm trying to change my life in ways to bring him Glory and work towards the Kingdom, I get this mental image of a father watching a child teetering along on her first attempts at walking. The steps are wobbly and uncertain, yet even those imperfect steps bring delight to a parents eyes. I hope to bring delight to my heavenly father's eyes.

More info from the book - Guidelines for Simplicity by Richard Foster:

Buy things for their usefulness rather than their status
Reject anything that is producing an addiction in you
Develop a habit of giving things away
Refuse to be propagandized by the custodians of modern gadgetry
Learn to enjoy things without owning them
Develop a deeper appreciation for the creation
Look with a healthy skepticism at all “buy now, pay later” schemes
Obey Jesus’ instructions about plain, honest speech
Reject anything that breeds the oppression of others
Shun anything that distracts you from seeking first the kingdom of God

“May God give you – and me- the courage, the wisdom, the strength always to hold the kingdom of God as the number one priority of our lives. To do so, is to live in simplicity”

Another year gone...

2010-05-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

Last night was graduation.
Not mine but it was still emotionally taxing.

I can't believe how much my life has changed in the last year. I've been keeping a log of my workouts on a forum and I find myself wanting to update things that have nothing to do with the work-out. I think it could be cathartic just to blog even if there is no one out there to read it.

I've been thinking a lot about balance the last few weeks. It seems like when you dedicate yourself so completely to one thing, your life falls apart. I don't know what that says about my choice of career, a career that I think most people would agree generally becomes all consuming unless real effort is made to avoid that outcome. But all-consuming is a vice; of that I'm now sure.

I had a great conversation with a friend last night. Made what has been a very emotionally draining time a bit more bearable. He pointed out, "You're like me. When you care about someone, you're all in. You don't do things half-way." He's right. And for the first time I realized I liked that about myself. Whatever comes over the next year, I know I'm a good person because of that. It's just that life isn't a fairy tale or a cheesy romantic comedy. Sometimes it's just life: beautiful and screwed up all at the same time.

That's all I have for now. I'll start posting my work-out log here as well. Need something here... =P

Over a year...

2009-08-12T17:36:00.000-07:00

how funny. It's been over a year and I'm still craving the same things to get me through. I keep thinking that perhaps I should update this more often. It might make me feel better to blog about some of the things I've seen 8 months into clinical rotations. Pretty beautiful and pretty horrible stuff. The experience goes both ways.

Maybe I will.

Or maybe I'll choose more sleep instead.

I can't study at home...

2008-06-15T12:35:00.000-07:00

I can't do it. I always wind up wasting a crap-ton of time doing random things (like updating my blog and reading a bunch of blogs that I follow). Ugh.

But I guess yesterday I was super productive; 12 straight hours at school (yes that did make me want to jump through the window on the 4th floor but hey). I got through all the DNA viruses. Seems like a lot huh? Well verbalizing that to Shauna last night just made me depressed because I'd say that's about 1/5 of the info for my infectious disease exam which is one of three mothers of exams I have next week.

Now if that doesn't make you wanna cry I don't know what will.

Two weeks, I can do anything for two weeks. Then I have a month of freedom-filled, book-reading, doctor-Phil-mocking, sleep-chocked, random-hiking, outside-of-Houston, no-school goodness to look forward to.

2008-06-10T21:14:00.001-07:00

I'm part of a website called Bzzagent which allows me to try free samples. Recently they've also been posting websites for us to try out. Mostly they're slightly boring or useless ones but today I found a pretty interesting one called Fact Check. It's run by a public policy group and it checks the public record to confirm or refute claims made by politicians during the campaign. I found it pretty enlightening.

Visit Fact Check

Last day...

2008-05-31T10:48:00.000-07:00

Thursday was my last day to go see my preceptor. It was a strange day. The scope of patients was amazing. Sometimes I wish I could talk more openly about what I see but I respect the fact that these patients wouldn't want that. Hell I wouldn't want that. I'd be upset as hell to see the details of my illness plastered all over a blog. Let's just say I saw some interesting crap including one condition I am almost guaranteed never to see again in my career, like published in JAMA kind of bizarre. House MD kinda bizarre.

I was glad that I drove out by myself for the last day. I got to have another long discussion with my preceptor about life and residency choices. He said he couldn't really see me in Emergency Medicine but he could see me in rural medicine. Well, one out of two isn't bad. I still have the lingering thought that perhaps I'll end up in surgery. I don't want that life, but even talking to Dr. Templeton last fall couldn't completely squash that idea from my head. My father is convinced that's where I'll end up. I still remember a conversation with Pete where he wanted to bet me money that's where I'd end up. Funny because at the time he wanted to do Neurosurg but now he's been converted to the dark side of EM.

But the last day ended with a fizzle. The nurse took our picture and I left without any fan fair. A strange ending to my first exposure to healthcare as an honest to God healthcare worker. The school really needs to work on this curriculum. I'm still terrified at the thought of assuming any more responsibility for a person's health; terrified and exhilarated all at the same time.

Heh - at least I didn't break the teeth on my first intubation. Poor NA murse. I'd be pissed if that happened to me. I really don't know how they put themselves through all that crap knowing that they'll continually get crap from know-it-all MDs that don't respect their training. It irks me enough to know that most MDs don't respect the specialty of emergency med but at least I'll have the MD behind my name when I tell them where they can go.

Out of Houston...

2008-05-20T20:21:00.001-07:00

IMG_0607
Originally uploaded by An Earthen Vessel

On Sunday I went hiking in Huntsville with Matt and Amanda.

It's so insanely relaxing to get out of Houston for awhile and just drive with the windows down, country music blaring and the green rushing by.

Definitely made for a happy day! =)

I really hope I end up in Temple for residency. It would be nice to live in a small town again.

2008-05-20T20:09:00.001-07:00

Technorati Profile

A wide expanse of nothing...

2008-05-20T16:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get so frustrated with school I want to scream. For once it's not the ever mounting pile of infectious diseases that I must memorize before the block exam. It's the fact that in the entire TMC library system (including the school of public health) there is not a single book on rural health that was published in this century. What? Seriously - the most recent being 1999. That's kind of insane when you put it in perspective.

Around 20% of our country's population lives in a "rural" area according to the last census. There are literally entires shelves about rare conditions which affect fractions of a percent of our population but a real national issue that needs attention gets completely neglected.

A greater percentage of the rural population is uninsured. Rural children are more likely not to be enrolled in SCHIP even if they qualify.

So why the neglect? Personally I think it's because rural health isn't "sexy". How many people swoon at the idea of working for Doctors without Borders in a remote area of Africa but working in a town of less than 200 makes them run for the hills? And the truth is: there's a lot of cross-over there. What do you do without specialist back-up? Limited lab resources? No CT? No MRI? At least not in a 3 hour drive. I'm not knocking MSF. They do fantastic work and someday I hope to spend some time with them as well. But how many times do they serve only as a band aid on a system that is cracked and broken?

Paul Farmer - now there's an international health example I can get behind. You'll excuse the cliche of the med student worshiping at the altar of Paul Farmer for just a moment: He knew how to get stuff done. No infrastructure? No problem. We build it. Want sustainability? You involve the community, make them responsible for their own health. That's a model rural public health in this country could really look towards.

(On a side note: There is no rural health blog that I could find on the web. If you happen to read this and know of one, please post it!)

Ugh.

2008-05-17T17:42:00.000-07:00

I finally finished the behemoth that is the review for the written clinical skills exam. Kill me now.

But at least I have this figured out: I know why I loath this class with such a deep and undying passion.

It's because it makes a mockery of how I really feel. I love this stuff! I love talking to patients. I love hearing their complaints and exploring their symptoms. When I was still working at the clinic I always got complements on my histories. The doctors were shocked at the amount of information I could actually gather. It's because I love the space between two people. I think humans are beautiful, complex things. We're so flawed and fragile and yet we keep going through grim and shit. We overcome unbelievable obstacles and are then put down by the most innocuous physical ailments. Each individual is unique and I never get tired of hearing the myriad of stories that exist. What other profession are we permitted to love people at their most broken and vulnerable state?

But then HE comes along and makes everything I love about medicine and turns it into this insincere, annoying contrivance that only serves to increase the cynicism of my classmates and lumps me right into the same pit they put him into. I hate this crap. Your praxis should be a natural outpouring of how you feel about life and your patients. No amount of badly written web material will turn judgmental, childish jackasses into compassionate doctors. Sorry, no dice. Our only hope is that eventually a patient will reach them. Because in the end the best teachers of compassion are our patients themselves.

So that's why if I don't honor my patient care class - I'm not going to be too worked up about it.

2008-05-16T17:43:00.001-07:00

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God ~ Lenny Bruce

Amen - preach it brother!

Picnic!

2008-05-16T16:06:00.000-07:00

Our class had a picnic this afternoon. Herman park really is an awesome place. I think I'll start studying there more often. I wished I had my camera. I spend a good 20 minutes on the swings leaning back and watching the branches blurr as I swung past. It's nice to feel like a kid again and forget the responsibilities of adulthood. Being an adult sucks.
-------
"All we can do for her now is make her comfortable."
"That's all?"
"Yes."

I watched the episode of Battlestar from last week this afternoon. That exchange really struck me. It makes it seem as if relieving suffering is a small thing. To a person dying in excruciating agony, isn't relieving suffering a HUGE thing? Let's face it: all of medicine is a stalling game. At best we can stave off the inevitable for a time but eventually, everyone dies. To that extend, all medicine ever does is make someone comfortable. And that's gotta be enough.

Things I liked today: swinging on the swing and a phone conversation with Payal - she never fails to make me laugh.
Things that annoyed me: Politics - the job should go to the best qualified not the person that kisses your ass.

This little piggy...

2008-05-14T20:47:00.001-07:00

This little piggy...
Originally uploaded by An Earthen Vessel

I am so insanely tired. But for the first time it's not a "I don't want to go on" kind of tired. I'm actually kind of proud of myself. I took the time out to do something I wanted to do: I ran 3 miles!

Not so impressive you say? It's pretty impressive for me. It's nice to do something for me without any agenda at all. I wasn't thinking about the neuro pathways making my legs move or the long list of infectious diseases that I've already forgotten. There was just me, my iPod and the empty Baylor gym.

I did see one thing that made me think: the Baylor gym overlooks one of the rehab units. I saw a man wheeled out into the yard. From a height of 8 stories I could almost convince myself it was my father, white hair and wheelchair bound. We're so incredibly frail. It still upsets me to think of him like that.

Anyway...

Things I liked today: The beautiful eyes of the toddler on the bus on the way home. Hazel green. =)
Things that annoyed me today: how randomly jerky some people can be, like the NA student who told Natalia she was "obnoxious" Was that necessary? No.

2008-05-13T14:24:00.001-07:00

I should go to class.

I missed everything today but the last lecture. During this lecture the doctor said that we should be concerned that our classmates that are missing class might be isolating themselves and become suicidal.

I think we should be concerned that I'm becoming a true insomniac. Couldn't fall asleep til 3 am. Funny thing is that other than what I missed today, I'm completely caught up on lecture.

Fun fact of the day: There are only 250 female urologists in the country. The speaker found this to be an example of sexism in medicine. I found it impressive that that many women wanted to do urology.

2008-05-12T22:44:00.001-07:00

I need you now and forever
So stay right here with me
Don't ever leave
Love was kept from me like a secret
And I swore that I was through
Until you, until you...
~Dave Barnes

2008-01-30T15:20:00.001-08:00

Well I've been crap at keeping this blog up, I don't think I really understood just how stressful medical school would end up being. Maybe I'll just start posting the random links I find while pretending to pay attention in lecture.... Hmmm....

2007-06-29T12:32:00.001-07:00

Well I am back to the world of the internet. I finally got my new MacBook yesterday and am currently scrounging some internet off of Panera bread. (MMMmmmmm free coffee refills and wifi - delicious!)

I gotta say that I am converted. This system is amazing, slick and easy to use. I showed up today figuring it was going to take me a few hours to really figure out how to work this thing (since my only real past experience with Mac OS was watching YouTube videos on Jose's laptop during microbio lab - Sorry Christina ;) ). I was up and running and using this bad boy like a pro in less than 30 minutes.

There are still hotkeys and things that take awhile to get used to (and I still can't get Diablo to connect to bnet though I think that might have more to do with Panera's WiFi than it does Mac OS). Overall I'm very pleased with my purchase and I hope to be posting regularly again in no time.

In other news, I have taken a hiatus from SDN. Mainly because internet access will be so spotty for awhile but also because SDN is the mother of all time-sucks. I'll need all my free time to keep my head above water at Baylor I'm sure.

Apartments...

2007-05-08T10:29:00.000-07:00

Well I have a place to live this summer!!

I got the call from UT student housing on the first offering me a 2 bdrm. I didn't really want a roommate (no one will ever top Jacque or Melissa and Ian), but it is the cheapest place by far in the area. I called back last week (trying to work my move-in around my sister's due date) and was able to get a 1 bedroom. The only catch: I can't move in any earlier than 2 weeks before school starts! EEEEK!!! I'm not the best mover/packer/unpacker so this is actually cutting it close for me. I was looking forward to having a few days peace to get used to living by myself, which I've never done before. Looks like I'll be thrown right into the deep end.

I like that I already have people that I think I'll end up being really close with. Sarah, who goes to UT-Houston but forgives me for going to stinky Baylor, is a really great person. It'll be nice to have a friend who understands the stresses of med school but doesn't share the specific stresses of my class. If the rumors are to be believed, the drama in med school reaches the oh-so-ulcer-inducing heights of high school or middle school. (They did WHAT in the gross anatomy lab?)

I'm doing what I love but everyone once in awhile I stop and think, "What have I gotten myself into?"

Jumping on the green bandwagon...

2007-04-17T09:25:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I saw "An Inconvenient Truth". It was compelling to say the least. It reminded me of the ozone layer crisis when I was in elementary school. I remember thinking that once the whole went all the way through, all the air would rush out into space. The reality wasn't quite that frightening but the reality of global warming comes close.

I've decided that I'm going to take some small steps to lessen my carbon footprint. I know some of my friends might be in the "global warming is a hoax" camp so I would like to make this argument: Even if global warming isn't real, my steps will still lead to a lesser dependence on foreign oil and I think we can all agree that's an admirable goal in today's international climate (excuse the pun).

So I've set some small goals for my apartment in Houston:
1. I will use only wind energy (I've checked - it's available from Reliant for not much more than coal/natural gas produced energy).
2. I will use public transportation whenever possible (this has the added benefit of avoiding the horrendous parking in the TMC).
3. I will buy produce from the local farmer's market (http://www.localharvest.org/ or http://www.houstonfarmersmarket.org/) - this includes being aware of how produce packaging affects environmental impact.
4. I will install a programmable thermostat, low flow shower head and retrofit my toilet to be low flush (all of these are relatively easy to do and take almost no time).
5. I will learn how to compost in my apartment and use that compost to grow fresh herbs for cooking.

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.
~Margaret Mead

I've been neglectful for a reason..

2007-04-10T14:33:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's been a long time since I've updated. Sorry about that. My sister has been in town and I've been chasing my nephew around the house (When we played "shark patrol" I was fortunate enough to be the shark bait for him ;) )

I wanted to update with a new site I found:
http://www.43things.com/person/AnEarthenVessel

It's amazing. I really like it so far. But then again I am anal enough to be a list person. I was looking for information about apartment composting when I came across it. I've added what I could think of off the top of my head; hopefully the list will grow with time.

The only down side is the frustratingly slow server. Ugh. Takes FOREVER to load a page.

Perhaps I should add "Be more patient" to my list of goals ;)

2007-03-29T21:57:00.000-07:00

I think sometimes it's easy to lose perspective.

I've become totally wrapped up in my own world. In the process of trying to make this decision (between Houston and Baylor), I must admit I've not only lost perspective, I'm pretty sure at times I wasn't even in the realm of the correct perspective.

Then tonight, I found myself reading Alex's Blog. I'll admit to not knowing what this is like from the perspective of a doctor/med student, but I do know this from the perspective of a volunteer. The next story I'll tell will be altered slightly to protect the identity of the person, but the emotions are true nonetheless.

When I was living in Belfast, I suffered from extreme homesickness. People who have heard the nostalgia in my voice when I talk about Belfast might find that amusing and perhaps even hard to believe, but it's true. I blame it on a bad diet, long work week and the complete absence of the sun from about November until Febuary (not completely true but functionally true for people working as many hours as my flatmates and I were). But I still remember the day that feeling disappeared (or at least disappated): a guy (in his early twenties) who I saw regularly around the community, showed up sporting an impressive black eye. I figured it was from fighting but his description of how it happened seemed hollow. I asked another member of the community about it and I got the whole story. It was not from fighting, at least not any fight where he fought back. His mother, an alcoholic with complicating mental illness, used him as a stress relief at times. When I asked why he didn't just leave (he was old enough), I was informed that many people had tried to convince him but he was thoroughly convinced that if he left his mother would fall apart and die within a few weeks. Besides, he would rationalize, where would he go? North Belfast isn't exactly running over with opportunites for a young, poorly educated man.

I am part of the middle class of the richest, most powerful nation this world has ever known. I've had access to some of the best education avaliable in this age. I test in the upper 1/2% of test takers for admission to one of the most difficult educational programs around. Not only do I have an offer of acceptance to that program (which many would kill for), I have two, both to schools I love. I have the happy decision that has no downside. God has blessed me in such a way that I sincerely feel that the moments when I lose sight of my blessings are the morally darkest moments of my life.

But where do we go? What do we do with the people in our lives that seem to be not so blessed? How can we reconcile our beliefs with our experiences? I don't know. If anyone figures that out, let me know. I figure in the next few years I'm going to need to find my own coping mechanism to deal with that reality.

Days pass and the years vanish, and we walk sightless among miracles.

Lord, fill our eyes with seeing and our minds with knowing; let there be moments when Your Presence, like lightning, illumines the darkness in which we walk.

Help us to see, wherever we gaze, that the bush burns unconsumed.
And we, clay touched by God, will reach out for holiness, and exclaim in wonder:

How filled with awe is this place, and we did not know it!

2007-03-20T10:25:00.000-07:00

I've been singing this song to myself ever since Violet and I went to go see Rent last month. It's truly amazing how much your life can change in the course of a year. This time last year I was freaking out about the MCAT and studying entirely too much. I gave myself a 1 in 3 chance of actually making it into medical school. And here I am now: not only acceptance in hand but to a school I never dreamed I'd attend a year ago. I remember thinking as I filled out AMCAS, "Might as well add Baylor - only $30 and you never know."

Though the whole process has made me much more cynical than I was a year ago I still firmly believe that there isn't much in this life you can't accomplish with a lot of hard work. And the true secret to success is to work for something you truly believe in and are passionate about. Not only does it make the success more sweet but it makes the road easier. Work ceases to feel like work at times.

The Blind Watchmaker

2007-03-16T13:52:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a book called Genome by Matt Ridley. I'm enjoying it though even in the few short years since the original text has been written it's amazing how far our knowledge of genetics has progressed. Still, he does a compelling job of making the topic of genetics timely and entertaining.

The other night while reading I was pleasantly surprised to come across a section which related philosophy to genetics, a combination peticularly interesting to me. He made mention of a book by Richard Dawkins called The Blind Watchmaker. The title is in reference to a book by William Paley in which he outlines what's called a Teleological argument for the existance of God. Basically, through the analogy of a watch and a watchmaker, Paley argues that the proof for God exists in the very complex nature of life. That there was no way logically that life (the Watch) could have evolved without some kind of a guiding force (ie the Watchmaker). I remember thinking in my philosophy of religion class that this was actually a fairly compelling argument. Apparently Dawkins rebuts this logic in his book (though the more classical example of a rebuttle to this type of argument can be found in Hume's works).

I'm very interested in reading that book by Dawkins now. In my mind, the existance of evolution by natural selection does nothing to challenge my belief in God. And while I found the Teleological arguments for the existence of God to be compelling, I never felt completely comfortable that God fit so comfortably into our logic that we could deduce His very existence by such a neat set of mental gymnastics. Faith isn't faith if it can be proved. Even with writing that, a small part of me feels guilty to reduce something as monumental to me as faith into a sound bite. I remember the first day that we covered these arguments in philosophy of religion, Dr McCann said something along the lines of, "What's more powerful? A God who can create a set of very basic laws of nature and know that we set lose they would produce the world he decided or a God who must mold every single aspect of existence into shape. A God of Evolution? that's a pretty cool God indeed."

Andso I've never felt my faith challenged by science. I do see God through the natural laws that I've studied but not in the sense that Paley did. I don't think they "prove" anything, but to the individual to whom the reality of God is as sure as the reality that they're parents love them or that their minds exist, the laws of nature only give us glimpses into the inner workings of the mind of God. Therefore, although the existence of God cannot be deduced from natural theology, the nature of God is expressed in every aspect of our world. That's what's really important to me.

**************
A copy of Paley's argument can be found here if anyone is interested in reading the whole text.
And a copy of Hume's Dialogues can be found here if you are interested.

Baylor - I'm in shock.

2007-03-15T14:45:00.000-07:00

Okay so I'll start off by apologizing about not updating this blog for awhile. I have a couple of saved drafts of post ruminating on books I've read recently but I haven't gotten around to polishing them and publishing them.

But I couldn't wait to post about this:
Yesterday, I was in Target looking at child seats for my nephew's visit and talking on the phone to my sister. She said that she needed to go and she'd call me back in a bit. About 15 minutes later I got a call from "Unknown". Figuring some kind of inference was messing with the caller ID I picked up thinking it was my sister.

"Hi!"

"Hello, I'm looking for Mary *****"

*confused* "This is her."

"Mary, this is [name drowned out by sudden roaring in my ears as I realize what's going on], Dean of Students for Baylor College of Medicine."

"Uh - hello, sir. How are you today?"

"Just fine. Just calling to let you know that we've admitted you for the Baylor College Of Medicine Class of 2011."

*long pause* "Seriously?" (not my best moment I'll admit)

"Yes, seriously. We look forward to seeing you in the fall."

"Thank you, sir. Thank you!" [Jumping up and down elliciting strange looks from the people in Target]

I think proceeded to call every member of my family, NONE of which I could get ahold of. ;)

Since then, I've pretty much been in a fog. I had long ago given up on ever hearing from Baylor. I figured that if they really wanted me I would have heard back 6 weeks or so after interviewing. When the Texas match rolled around and I read "School Matched: UT-Houston" I was preparing myself to matriculate there in the fall. Now I feel a total shift in my world - everything is on it's head. I love Baylor so so much. The program is amazing; the opportunities are mind-bending. The program really is a perfect fit for me. So why do I have this curious feeling that I'm cheating on someone if I decide to decline Houston? On top of that, I have the worried feeling that perhaps I won't be able to cut it at Baylor. Those people are damn smart!

I didn't expect it to be this hard to decide. I've been told I should just go with my gut about Baylor vs Houston. That being said: Nothing sort of my very first acceptance compares to the feeling I got after being accepted to Baylor. I still get butterflies everytime I think about going to Baylor.

Maybe Emo isn't so bad...

2007-02-20T10:15:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I was in the mood for a dance CD so when I was at Walmart to pick up my dad's medication I looked through the CDs. I ended up buying the Grammy nominees CD. One of the songs was Death Cab for Cutie's "I will follow you into the dark" I'm not sure how I missed this song before now. If you're like me, here's a youtube embed.

Some of you know that I went to Austin this past weekend for Lisa & Neil's wedding. During the ceremony I was thinking about all the weddings I've been to recently, Jac & David's, Shannon & Joe's, and all I could think about was how amazed I was that, in our cynical world, love like that still exists. And it may sound sappy and naive but I felt this indescribable joy knowing that my friends had found the kind of love that lasts (I've told Jacque on several occasions that I dream about having a relationship like hers and Davids). How amazing is it that we are capable of overcoming our selfish, base nature to truly and completely devote ourselves to each other? Love is an amazing thing in all it's forms. I'm not just talking about romantic love, but even the love I feel for my friends. While we were getting dressed for the wedding that morning, I couldn't believe how happy it made me to see Lisa looking so beautiful. I can remember feeling something just as strong when I saw Jacque in her wedding dress for the first time. In that moment, I felt fully whole and truly human. And it's not a feeling I take credit for. It was just further proof to me that we are only fully ourselves through our relationships with others. Loving someone like that has made me a better person, something which I could never have done on my own strength.

(I'm guessing this falls into the category how much I love my friends... :) )

Panda Bear's gospel

2007-02-09T21:26:00.000-08:00

Okay so here's a post from the illustrious Panda Bear in a thread asking what people would do if doctor's salaries suddenly reduced to 70k/yr:

On another note, as Eternalrage pointed out, life is not sugar-frosted and I don't know when it became a requirement that we think it to be. I was a (ugly hateful) cynic before medical school and nothing I have seen since has made me become either more or less cynical. People are who they are.

Now, you can make a big deal about your compassion and yer' love for the great unwashed but it's all a bunch of noise until you put it into practice. The poor do smell bad. That's a fact. But that doesn't prevent me from taking off some wino's urine-soaked socks and examining his gnarly, disgusting feet for frostbite. If the Lord could wash the feet of beggers then I can surely do this without complaint or change of expression. It's the action that's the thing, not sanctimonious opinions.

If you all want to pretend that the wino is a paragon of intellect, just some hard-working Joe who you'd to whom you'd gladly give your daughter's hand then have at it.

(click on the link to go to the post and from there to the thread if you're interested).

It's a funny debate that seems to haunt the pre-allo forum at SDN. What would you do if suddenly doctors weren't making 150k per year? I know to most people 70k still sounds like great money and it is, don't get me wrong... but it's not so sweet when you realize that most medical students go around 200k in debt paying for their medical education and assuming an average residency, won't see that kind of income until 30 or later. That's almost 8 years after most of our friends have started making bank with a bachelor's degree in engineering. So after killing yourself and giving up your 20s to a profession that will continue to suck your life away by forcing 80 hr work weeks and at best promising the gratitude of patients and at worse the distain and greedy complainings of patients seeking a quick buck through malpratice suits, I can understand why some people would be turned away from the profession for monetary reasons.

I'm still here because I couldn't imagine doing anything else.

But anyway - back to Panda's post:
It's an interesting fusion of faith, action and belief. Does the action of serving a patient really stand completely independent of the emotion and motivation behind it? I've met doctors who, while completely professional in the examining room, express privately to me their complete distain for their patient and feelings of resentment for being caught in a career with crushed expectations and a dim future.

But as a Christian, I can't accept that my compassionate actions, no matter how believable their sincerity on the outside, are enough. Surely the feelings of compassion are what we are called to. but then the feelings aren't enough either. How compassionate is the woman who crys at the commercials for child sponsorship but then never does anything to relieve the suffering in the world? Our acts should be a natural outpouring of our emotions, just like our service towards God is a natural outpouring of our love and thankfulness for Grace.

I'm tired so I hope this post made sense to you.

So I've found Google Reader...

2007-02-08T13:29:00.000-08:00

I have a long list of blogs that I *try* to read on a regular basis. Most of the time I forget to check them and then don't have the time once I do check to read all the back posts. So I've decided to give Google Reader a try. So far it seems to fit my reading styles really well. I've loaded all my friend's blogs into the subscription and added it to my google personalized homepage (something I've been using for awhile).

I'm wondering if I shouldn't try to actually make this blog useful to people and not just a form of updating my friends of my life. We'll see how far I get with that.

Hits

2007-02-08T12:37:00.000-08:00

Hey guys I seem to be getting lots of hits on the website from google searches for "My Bad -Eve Shirt" which is in reference to a post I made about a year ago about my favorite t-shirt. You can find it at Randomshirts.com :
http://www.randomshirts.com/products/girltees/mybad.htm

If any of you intrepid internet travelers share my love of goofy/interesting t-shirts (I know I have far too many) you'll like this blog:

http://t-shirts-around.blogspot.com/

Hope that helps :)

2007-02-03T13:50:00.000-08:00

This is not a happy story. If you're applying to med school with me, this will not make you feel good. It will not make you feel warm and fuzzy and hopeful about our chosen profession. But it is something I think you should read:
"It"

The story reminds me of the Scrubs episode where Dr. Cox warns that it's inevitable that everyone will eventually screw up and kill a patient. There are things you just have to deal with in medicine. That's one of them. And the story points out another: Looking death in the face and being able to do nothing about it.

The Match

2007-02-01T20:35:00.000-08:00

Does anyone really know what Texas med schools were trying to achieve with the match? Because if it was to torture the already insufferably neurotic population of premeds that depends so vitally on the outcome of the match to determine their futures then I say, "Bravo TMDSAS. Well done. I'm sure you've now spawned 300 stomach ulcers, 40 cases of premature hair loss and you're also single-handedly supporting the practices of more than one psychotherapist."

And that rant was brought to you by someone who is NOT depending on the match to find a place in medical school for the fall. Just about the only thread I really attempt to keep up with anymore on SDN (besides Random) is the Texas thread. And beginning here you can see the thread slowly descend into a whirling vortex of useless speculation. I must confess to feeding into the insane LMFU date conspiracy madness. I really did believe it meant something though now I find myself wanting to throw up in my hands in frustration and scream.

But really, I don't understand the logic behind the Texas match existing at all. I know we're a big state with lots of medical schools but so is Cali and they don't have an application system as messed up as Texas. Perhaps at some point it existed so that more Texas applicants would know earlier where they would end up, which is nice I suppose. It's been nice not having to anxiously await February 1st to discover my fate. Just makes me realized how bad waiting for match day during 4th year will be. Seems like there must be a better system than the one currently in place.

But in conclusion, to you, gentle reader, who may have somehow stumbled across this blog while searching for information about TMDSAS and who is applying this next cycle: Hopefully we got all the bugs worked out for you, because applying this cycle has been like a three ringed circus.

Panda Bear, MD: Ask the Panda: Physician Assistants

2007-01-28T08:32:00.000-08:00

Panda Bear, MD: Ask the Panda: Physician Assistants

This is a great post from Panda. He puts into better words than I could the problems and uncertainites I have about PAs.

I know I may be biased. (I was treated like crap at the clinic by the PA students and I'm pretty sure it was because they knew it was the only time in their careers they would be in a position higher than I was). But I am very tired by people implying that a NP or a PA is really the same level as a doctor. You aren't, sorry. If you're upset about that, go to med school, fix the problem. Now I love PAs and I think they're a great resource to primary care practices especially in underserved areas but they do miss things at a higher rate than doctors. I think there need to be a more standardized definition of what kind of physician oversight is needed for a PA.

LOST: 1 dose of self-confidence

2007-01-19T12:04:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I waited outside in the freezing rain for about 3 hours to put my name on the waiting list for UT-Houston student housing. And other than giving me this nasty lingering cough and what I'm pretty sure is a mild case of frost burn on my toes, it started me thinking: this is really happening. No more preparation; it's time for the real deal.

In August I'll start medical school and nothing (short of the end of the world) is going to stop that. Am I really ready for that kind of responsibility? Am I smart enough to handle the deluge of information that will bury me and irreparably damage my sleep schedule? I just feel like I don't know jack (probably because I don't) and come August I'm going to realize that I am not prepared for this at all. Maybe it's just old insecurities coming back to haunt me but I wonder if this feeling of inadequacy is more universal than that. Does it go away with time? Or are even attendings haunted by the idea that they might not know the answer? Does being insecure help force you to be more complete in your examinations or does being insecure hold you back from making the tough calls when you know you have to? Or maybe it's a balance.

Anyway, it's a scary thing. No one wants to fail. But it's the things that threaten to chew you up and spit you back out which, when finally over and accomplished, making you the proudest looking back on. I remember being so sure at placement event that I would fail miserably in Belfast. I was so sure the work was completely beyond me. And I'll admit now: it was definitely the hardest thing I've ever done. And I'll admit as well that without it I don't think I'd stand a chance in medical school. Looking back on Belfast, I'm so proud of what I did, even if it wasn't the best job in the world, because it was so far out of my comfort range and I was forced to grow so much during that process. Seeing how I've responded to adversity has given me confidence to confront medical school. Yeah I may not be the smartest person to walk through the doors of UT-Houston, but I've definitely got what it takes when it comes to perseverance. And despite what everyone may say, I think perseverance is 80% of your success in medical school.

All that being said, it doesn't mean that the reality of all this isn't scaring the absolute crap out of me. But it does mean that I feel equipped to handle it.

2007-01-08T17:49:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year Everyone!

Turns out that my plans didn't mesh with Jacque's so I won't be looking at apartments until later in the spring, which is actually just fine with me (other than having to wait awhile to see Jacque). I'll admit that I've been missing my dad so getting home a few days earlier is just fine with me.

So I've been trying to decide what to do with myself between now and August. I've decided just to audit the advanced biochem class. No way I could put myself through trying for another A without having some down time first. I thought about enrolling in the Eastern Thought philosophy course but it seems like alot of money to waste on one course that I don't really need. (I'm thinking that by the time I go back to do a masters in philosophy, which I really want to do, all those courses will be expired anyway). So I've decided to make a list of things to do this Spring and summer:

1. Finally refinish that table I bought last fall. (Finish what you started? Surely not you say! Oh yes, it will be done)
2. Finish restoring my grandmother's civil war era trunk. I got two of them out this weekend and realized one was beyond my skill to repair :( but the other would take about a week (including time for the oil to soak in).
3. Thai & Indian Cooking courses
4. Try desperately to get back into shape. My genes are a bit faulty when it comes to health; I think I need to do something to avoid dying by 40.
5. Rebuild my tattered, sad Greek vocab. It's horrible people. I'm going to try for about 3 hrs a week and see if I can get back to the point of reading the NT with no help.
6. Sell off all my damn star wars collectables on ebay and buy myself a damn porsche (or at the very least a nice laptop... it's insane how much stuff I have).
7. Enroll in the language & culture seminar in Chinese (and maybe the Arabic one).
8. Finish that HUGE pile of books I've been meaning to read.
9. Spend lots of time enjoying the beach & getting a tan. I'd like to at least look decent when I start med school.

Any bets on how much I get through? :)

Merry Christmas everyone!

2006-12-24T22:44:00.000-08:00

For me, the real religious significance of Christmas has always been attached to Christmas eve service. Specifically the late one that runs through Christmas eve and right into Christmas. Perhaps because this was the first service where I could remember actually feeling like a part of something larger than myself (funny how a simple shepherd's robe can make a child feel like a part of a story that has gone on for 2000 years). Or maybe it's because my favorite Christmas memory involves K & I emerging from a service into a night sky filled with Frank Capra-esque snowflakes, a silent night broken only by that indescribable sound that snow makes in a heavy snowfall.

But honestly I think it has more to do with the night itself. It seems to me the one night out of the liturgical year when the fabric of this universe seems to wear thin and the strange light of the sacred can illuminate our world. And during the midnight service, everything seems bathed in its unearthly glow.

The congregation took turns reading the nativity story from the Bible. One of the readings was done by Gary. Gary is a member of my mother's mentally handicapped Sunday school. He's been a fixture at the church for as long as I can remember. And I can honestly say that I've never seen such a beautiful reading of the birth of our Lord. And I don't know if it was the reading or if it was being faced with the glory of God manifested in the last person you would notice but I began to feel like the idea of the divine stepping through the fabric of time and into our lives isn't such a stretch of the imagination. It's times like those that I feel the presence of God most powerfully manifested in church. It seems like, if only for a moment, the divine is almost palpible.

And that's what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown. About celebrating the love that caused God to descent from heaven and humble himself in our world.

~~~~
On a side note, before coming in here to type out this entry, I walked through my grandmother's living room. Even at 25 I feel a strange mischevious feeling rising in my chest to be looking at a fireplace after midnight on Christmas eve. It was as if my heart was daring my intellect to believe that that last dying ember I was floating on a draft was actually the corner of a red hat and if I ran over to the window quickly enough, I will be able to hear the sounds of bells and see a faint sillouette fading into the stormy Texas night sky. I wonder if that feeling will ever stop and I send up a soft prayer in the hope that perhaps it never will.

My Best Friend is the most talented woman in the world.

2006-12-22T09:00:00.000-08:00

I'm not kidding... She SO is.... (though I guess David helped too :p)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovy4XGSe7oU

White Coats

2006-12-21T17:44:00.000-08:00

So I've had this idea bouncing around my head for awhile. It really came to me about a week ago but with all the stress of finals and the grade fiasco (of which we will not speak) I hadn't had time to really write it down.

Last week I looked at my dad and I had the sudden realization that he might not be around to see me walk at my medical school graduation. I know, that's a depressing thing to think about; however, it is a cold hard reality. Then I realized that I didn't care how much advanced planning it was going to take, my dad was coming to my white coat ceremony. Seems such a silly thing though. It's just a coat. That's it. Nothing more than thick woven cotton. It's not even a LONG coat. It's a short coat, signaling to the inducted world that I am only a med student whose opinion matters about as much as heater during a Texas August. But, in a way, it's much much more than that.

On the season premiere of BSG, Helo says, "Symbols matter... they're like pieces of your heart you can look at." It might just be a coat but it's also a symbol of all the hard work I've put in thus far and all the hard work to come. In a very real sense, that coat is a "piece of my heart [I] can look at." And I know my dad, more than any of the other members of my family, will know what that coat means. And even if he never makes it to my medical school graduation, he can look at that coat and be proud of me, not just for what I've done, but for what I'm going to do and the person I'll be someday.

Musings on becoming a doctor...

2006-12-12T20:37:00.000-08:00

‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so?

You are a child of God, small games do not work in this world. For those around us to feel peace, it is not example to make ourselves small. We were born to express the glory of god that lives in us. It is not in some of us, it is in all of us. While we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same. When we liberate ourselves from our own fears, simply our presence may liberate others.’

- Marianne Williamson, as quoted by Nelson Mandela

I saw Akeelah and the Bee this weekend. Since then, this quote has been rattling around the back of my mind. It's a powerful message when you break it down, if not a new one.

This is going to sound arrogant, but stay with me here. I have it in me to be a great doctor someday, in ways I couldn't even comprehend until recently. In those moments when I'm faced with just how great a doctor I could be I'm filled with this overwhelming sense of gratitude and excitement, and maybe even fear. I've never been truly great at anything in my life. But this is different. I'm excited by the possibilities and open to the gratitude for the opportunity that has been given me. And then there's the fear. Honestly I don't know where this skill for learning and recognizing patterns comes from; it flows out of nowhere and when my dad asks, "Wow, how did you come up with that? You're right." I just stare at him dumbfoundedly. It's like the world is opening up and making sense. I wonder if it's like this for everyone when they find that one special gift that makes them who they are. I hope it is. This is a feeling I wish everyone could have just once.

We're all given gifts in this life; expressing our gifts is what we are born to do. In no way does living up to your fullest potential berate those around you. Quite the opposite; by succeeding to the best of our abilities we inspire others to do the same.

Maybe I'm growing up, who knows? But I think maybe this is what I've been responding to in other people. I like talking to people and finding that one subject that makes them light up like a Christmas tree. Those are the people I really responded to and I loved to be around. I think maybe it was the insecure part of me perceiving in that person the silent permission to be just the person I was afraid to be. Maybe that was working in Belfast more than I realized. David makes fun of me for being competitive and I always try to shake it off. But maybe it's okay to be driven. If being driven and passionate about what I love helps others to be driven and passionate about what they love, then I don't see a downside. If being driven causes you to tear other people down, then perhaps you're not in the right field in the first place.

That being said, the main point of this post was the share that quote. I hope it starts you guys thinking as much as it did for me.

My two favorite things... Scrubs & Charlie Brown Christmas

2006-12-10T19:34:00.000-08:00

http://www.tvsquad.com/2006/12/09/a-charlie-brown-christmas-scrubs-style-video/

This video rocks hardcore! :) You must go watch it. I love Scrubs so much :)

Did I mention I hate microbiology?

2006-12-09T09:33:00.000-08:00

.... no I really mean hate... like with the passion of a 1000 burning suns. It's bad. I'm so ready for this course to be over. I know I'll just repeat parts of it in medical school but maybe with some clinical relevance I won't find myself wanting desperately to stab a red hot poker into my eye just for the distraction.

Ugh - just 3 more exams and I'll be done with ugrad classes forever. Whoop!

But then there's my jeep. I finally took it in on friday to figure out why it's been smoking (It's been awhile that it's had this problem; I swear the only thing that got me home from seeing Jacque this last time was prayer and the leftover water from my Nalgene). Turns out the hoses were mushy (whatever the hell that means) and needed to be replaced. So I dropped 400 bucks to get the POS fixed only to drive around the building and see coolant just streaming out of my radiator. Ugh. I'm taking it back in on Monday to get the whole thing replaced. At least she's being nice and not charging me labor. I'm just worried that as they push everything back to get the radiator out that the whole damn thing is going to break in two. I love my baby but she's such a POS.

UTSA's dean of admissions came and spoke this past week. I went just to see what he said about scholarships. He said they weren't going to get into a "bidding" war and so no scholarships til the spring. He also said that anyone who decides medical schools based on scholarships is being stupid. Okay - that was really really not cool. 40k is a crapload of money and I'd need to be insane to turn it down. So looks like it's Houston for reals. Poor Jacque ;-) We've got our facebook club for our class already made - so sad!

Gingerbread lattes and scholarships

2006-12-04T07:26:00.000-08:00

Okay so let me try to run through everything that's happened since I last updated:

I cooked a Thanksgiving dinner all by my lil'ol self and nothing caught on fire. WHOOP!! Jose, Violet, Violet's nephew, Lisa and her fiance Neil came over for dinner. It was really really nice :) I'm glad they could come over but lawl did I ever make WAY too much food. :)

That friday I was watching the Aggie game (best rushing defense in the county? What? Oh yeah... 100+ yds rushing in the 1st half. Bite me.) And the letter from UT-H FINALLY came! 10k/yr for 4 years. Hell yeah. That's tuition right there, baby.

I mailed back the letter from UT-SA to enter myself into consideration for a scholarship but I doubt they'll be able to top that. I don't really want to just use money as my one consideration for medical school but I do think I'll end up at UT-H. I actually read a post on SDN that made me feel better about the class schedule at UT-H which was my one really huge concern. I would love for Baylor to accept me and make this whole decision a moot point but I doubt that's going to happen at this point.

I finally caved to peer pressure and decided to go to my Southwestern interview this past weekend. I must admit that I was pleasantly surprised by the school. I think if I hadn't clicked so much at UT-H I would very much consider Southwestern. Parkland is such an amazing hospital and I met some really cool non-trad students at lunch that I ended up getting along with. The one downside: within 15 minutes of getting there, I met a med student who proceeded to completely bash San Antonio ("they're all idiots... blah blah blah") And I was so totally turned off by that. Seriously, you're at the 2nd best med school in Texas, why do you feel the need? Plus, the school is totally one sided, no medical humanities opportunities at all. I think that's a real downside that perhaps SW should address in coming years. You're not just producing doctors; you're producing healers. Get with the times, baby ;)

Okay - so perhaps I should go study for my biochem exam and micro lab final. No motivation. None. I'm so ready to be done. :p

I am going to be a doctor!

2006-11-15T21:58:00.000-08:00

November 15th - eventful day!

Last night I couldn't sleep with the anticipation! I know I'm a dork and every "wise" person on SDN kept saying that the odds of emails coming out at midnight on the 15th... very very slim.

But still - no way was I going to sleep.

So at 12:05 I got the email that changed my life: You're IN!! From UT-Houston. What's the only thing that could make those words any sweeter? 2nd paragraph: You've been chosen for a scholarship.

OH HOLY CRAP.

Seriously: all those people who told me that med school was too difficult or that there was no way they'd want a liberal arts major... yeah you can all bite me. Not only do they want me, they're throwing money at my feet. Take that!

So I watched this clip about a billion times. You all know I love my underdogs. I'm just glad this underdog story had a happy ending. :) Just proves that there's nothing in this world that you can't achieve if you're just willing to work your ass off for it. I think the fact that I had to work my ass off to get here makes this victory all the sweeter. Maybe that's why it took me so long to get here; maybe God was preparing me to value this opportunity more so I wouldn't toss it away just because I was afraid. I've been having some worries/insecurities about medical school. Just general anxiety I think. But it all melted away when I read that email. I've never felt so confident about becoming a doctor; I think I'm going to rock at it. Even if I never got another acceptance, I don't think this smile would ever go away.

New T-shirt

2006-11-08T19:44:00.000-08:00

Anyone else think it would be funny as hell if I wore this shirt around school?

http://www.palmercash.com/product.asp?3=344

Anyone? Anyone? Damn that like cracked me up for 5 minutes :)

Election Night!

2006-11-07T19:44:00.000-08:00

So I voted today.

I love our democratic system. If it was a boy, I'd marry it. Seriously. I got a little misty eyed as I stood in line to vote. I don't think we really appreciate just how wonderful our system is. To be fair, if I had never lived in N. Ireland, a place where the people essentially have no representation in government, I don't know if I would appreciate our system the way I do. Thinking about all the people in this country who don't turn out to vote, I really start to feel a bit sick to my stomach. Do you know how many good men and women died to make sure that you would have a voice in your government? Well guess what? You don't vote: You lose your right to complain about what's going on in this country. Full stop. And I know that's asinine and cliche but deal with it, because it's the truth. To me there is nothing sexier than a man opinionated about politics (to a point) and nothing that's more of a turn-off than apathy.

Funny moment of the day. Conversation between Jacque and I:
Jacque: I would have even voted for a few democrats.
Me: *screeching sound*
Jacque: Did you just die?
Me: Yeah, little bit.
***
To those that know Jacque and I and our exchanges about politics this will be more amusing but for everyone else: Jac is so conservative she makes me look like a liberal :eek:

She and I also talked about the race for governor of Texas. I voted for Kinky and she would have voted for Grandma ("would have" because of extinuating circumstances. I forgive her for not voting). I think this race was less about the third party canidates winning than it was about sending a message that the citizens of Texas are friggin' pissed at Perry. Jac was saying that she hopes Perry will take notice that a large portion of his base disagrees enough with what he's been doing to vote for another canidate. Let's hope he pays that much attention; I guess I'm too cynical to be that hopeful. (CRAP! MSNBC just called Perry the winner. Dang it!)

Another U2 induced rambling...

2006-11-06T07:46:00.000-08:00

Yes, yes... the "Best of..." albums are more addicting to me than crack. Deal with it.

So I've been thinking again about what the next four years are going to involve. The vast majority of people who actually read this blog will have been the unwilling dumping ground for the monthly "WTF am I doing?!?!" mental break-down. This is not one of those; I hope this musing actually signals a turning point for me. I'm rocking out to U2's "I still haven't found what I'm looking for." I know the beauty of U2 lyrics is that everyone reads into them whatever they need to hear at that point in their lives. I swear, to me, the song is about the bittersweet restlessness of the human spirit (excuse the pretentiousness of the language); for me, it's a step forward to start appreciate that restlessness in myself. I feel like I still haven't found what I'm looking for, and that's a good thing. I was telling Sarah the other day that I feel pretty content with my life up to this point. It's not that I'm content with who I am right now, God forbid; I just am content with the fact that I don't think I've ever settled in my life and I'm content with what I've accomplished do far. I think I have a few things to be proud of and I think I've challenged myself. But for the future, I feel like I've made the commitment to keep improving and striving to be a better person. I probably find this important because I'm not sure how great of a person I am right now; I'm a work in progress I guess. But all this has the added complication of meaning it's hard for me to relate to people who are content with never changing from this moment on. Geez, how boring their lives must be; if you're not continually challenging yourself, you're wasting space, I realize this now and admit to being guilty of this attitude in the past. Basically I'm driven right now by the thought of what this life might hold for me; I feel like I have a limitless capacity for growth that I have barely begun to tap (again, excuse the pretentious tone, I don't know how better to say this). Not to mention I feel blessed and surrounded by amazing people who will only continue to be more amazing people as we get older; I'm glad I have friends that will challenge me all the way up to the grave. They make me excited to get up everyday :)

Like the CS Lewis quote on my facebook says, "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." Nothing this side of eternity can satisfy. If you're satisfied, you're doing something wrong. (*waits for someone in Seminary to jump on theology of this* :p )

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well, yes I'm still running

You broke the bonds
And you loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

Sometimes you can't make it on your own...

2006-11-04T09:31:00.000-08:00

Belfast taught me just how much I need other people. There was no way I could have made it through that year in one piece without Whit, Melissa, Ian, Barbara, Liz, Lisa, Ricky, Debbie, et nauseum et infinitum. I don't think it was coincidence that that U2 song came out that fall too; everytime I hear it I'm reminded at just how much I'm in debt to the wonderful people God has brought into my life.

And nothing brought it back so poinantly as listening to that song last night after being ditched. It made me realize how very alone I am in the Valley compared with other places I've lived. In Belfast, even when I had a crappy day I could come home and I knew either Melissa or Ian would be there (or Whit only a phone call away) and I would be loved like a sister and accepted despite all my many faults. (Hey I'm not getting rose coloured glasses here about the house on Thorndale but you have to admit it was a pretty special experience for all of us) Or in College Station, there was Jacque, probably the person I feel closest to in this world, always there for me when I needed her... and Tim... well... usually there when I needed him :) But now that I think about it - there were pretty extraordinary circumstances that produced all these relationships; and some pretty amazing people as well. I don't think I could duplicate those relationships even if I wanted to. I'm not saying that I don't want to make new friends; I enjoy time I spend just sitting around and talking to people, even if I don't know them well. But on the whole, do we only have so much room in our hearts for people? This seems a very unChristian thought; nonetheless, I feel filled and blessed with the people already in my life. I would drop everything and drive/fly anywhere if they needed me (I'd like to think they'd do the same). So after being loved like that, how do you go back? There's a weird line to cross there: between casual acquaintance and friend. The only time I've done this recently with any success is with Lisa and Violet and my randomite peeps, specifically Sara, Sarah and Alex (but maybe this is news to them? :) ). I think my problem is that I start getting involved in people's lives and caring about what goes on pretty quickly but with my personality, people don't realize I'm as involved as I am because I appear aloof. So what's the solution? Don't care about them? Geez, that's so not a "me" thing to do. So I guess I don't really have any answers.

Okay so what spawned this random musing? My realization that I didn't really appreciate my friendships until recently. (To which, Jac is going, "No shit." ) So know that I love you guys and miss you, living here in back-asswards Texas.

(bring on the concerned "WTF?" messages!)

Medical Schools are as fickle as boys

2006-11-01T08:06:00.000-08:00

As I wait patiently for Jose to finish his damn Bio II exam so we can go unwind from our Micro exam, I remember I haven't updated this in awhile. (for those of you reading this through facebook - it automatically updates from my blog.)

So Michigan... I'm in love with this school. Seriously - it's amazing. P/F first two years; family centered experience *swoon*

Ann Arbor - amazing. I only walked around for about a half an hour before the football game and I've already found a fair trade coffee house. I'm sure I'll get to know it really well if I end up going there. Plus I had really good Mediterranean food and Indian food. (*shocked look* Ethnic food besides Mexican? No surely not! Yes, kiddos, it's very common outside the Valley.) The football game was amazing too. But okay, Big 10 football... waaaaay different from Big XII. BigXII football has something archetypical about the teams. The evil confederation of Longhorns and Oklahoma (yes I just put OU and t.u. in the same category - deal with it, Jacque :) )while all the little underdogs try to knock them out. God knows I love an underdog and that is the very antithesis of Mich football.

But I am NOT getting my hopes up after the Vandy fiasco (2 weeks after they sent out letters and I still haven't heard! CRAP! I know the mail sucks down here but seriously now, people.) Perhaps I should call and let them know. Maybe they'll be nice and end my miserable waiting one way or the other over the phone. I seriously feel like getting rejected from a med school you really like is almost as bad as getting rejected by a boy you really like. I'm waiting by the phone for Michigan to call like I would after a really nice second date. Ugh! Just let me know, sweetie!!

Okay - so on to more fun things... we went out for Violet's birthday last night. I dressed up like a devil. I wore this really low cut top that just made me feel super uncomfortable all night (didn't help that Lisa kept making cracks about my cleavage and Violet tried to cop a feel... but Violet always trys to cop a feel.) Anyway, dinner was a blast. Funniest part of Steve who dressed up as a Dirty Sanchez (I'm so not kidding). Best. Costume. Evar.

Indiana and Pumpkin Lattes

2006-10-06T08:13:00.000-07:00

Okay - so I got back yesterday from my Indiana interview. I love, love, love the school; I hate, hate, hate the OOS price tag and the fact that, unlike Texas, there is no way for me to earn residency. Seriously people, 65k a year? Vandy would be cheaper. That's just nuts! But at least I can feel good that I got an interview so my application must not be completely repulsive to adcoms. Or it could just be that whole "legacy" thing.

Nah. Must be me.

I was so shattered last night. I was running on about 9 hrs over 2 nights - suck. I went to bed at 9:30 and STILL almost missed my microbio class this morning. But there are good points in life: I love Starbucks pumpkin spice latte but hate the dirty feeling I get every time I walk into Starbucks. (Yeah, that whole living abroad and getting a social conscious thing is for the birds. Who cares about responsible consumerism? Give me my hummer and massive decaf, nonfat, carmel macchiato with a side of baby seal, thank you very much.) I kid, I kid. But now Circle K *insert shocked gasp here* has a pumpkin spice latte and I can get 24 delicious ounces for $.99 and none of that dirty feeling. Score.

Baylor - my life is complete now!

2006-09-23T09:12:00.000-07:00

Well I finally heard from Baylor this week. They took their sweet time. But I'm such a sucker for a well-ranked, scholarship lovin' program. They had me at "Congratulations!"

I had to reschedule because they picked the same day as my Michigan interview. As much as I love Baylor, a non-refundable plane ticket coupled with the chance to hang out with some really great people is a pretty compelling reason to reschedule. They were really accommodating though; I feel pretty lucky. So if you're going to be in Houston the weekend of November 10th, drop me a line. I'll be hanging around til Sunday annoying the crap out of Jacque. I'm sure she'd be delighted to get rid of me for a few hours.

Funny how one interview invite can totally change your prospective on the whole process. Up until I saw that magical little email in my inbox, I was secretly convinced that there was no way I was getting in anywhere. Now I feel like I might have a chance; maybe not at Baylor. But if Baylor gave me an interview, that means I should get in somewhere. Right? Dear Lord - I just want to be a doctor. Please, let me get in somewhere.

Insomnia blows

2006-09-12T22:34:00.000-07:00

So this afternoon sucked. And not just sucked a little.... sucked like, "I missed the interview at my #3 school" kind of sucked. The plane had mechanical failure or some such bs. I just accepted that I was not going to make it and came home. I have to admit: at first, I was pretty pissed. I spent most of the early night locked in my room listening to Avril Lavigne songs loudly through myspace. But then I watched House, laughed at Tucker Carlson trying to dance on tv, and chatted a bit with some SDN people and I started feeling much better about it. Molly called it being "Zen" - I don't know how "zen" I am considering it's 12:30 am with no sleep in sight and I haven't been able to hold down a real meal since Saturday (copious amounts of alcohol not withstanding). "Zen" is the word that least accurately describes my experiences with interviewing so far.

But listening to my mp3 player, desperately trying to find sleep, Aqueous Transmission by Incubus came on... by far my favorite Incubus song. The first verse goes:
I'm floating down a river
Oars freed from their holes long ago
Lying face up on the floor of my vessel
I marvel at the stars
And feel my heart overflow

So maybe being Zen isn't about an absence of emotion but more a release into emotion. Either way, I'm so not there yet. I feel like I'm almost there when I listen to that song, but then it clicks on past and I'm still laying here, trying to sleep, with a pain in my stomach oddly suggestive of an ulcer and a strong desire to drown in a pool of Bushmills.

HW

2006-09-05T15:51:00.000-07:00

HOLY CRAP! Where did all this homework come from?

Oh yeah - I still have one more semester. :(

2006-09-04T15:04:00.000-07:00

Well, haven't I just been absolutely crappy at keeping this up? I just got home from my Vandy interview last night. So far I've had 3 interviews:

UT-H: Rock on! Great school. I could be very happy here.
UTMB: I was unaware just how much Galveston blew. Too bad because I love the curriculum.
Vandy: Rocked. So great! Nashville has plenty of opportunities to be outside as well. Pretty sure this is going to come down to cost. If cost was no concern, Vandy would easily beat out the other schools.

Application Musings

2006-07-03T10:25:00.000-07:00

So I realized I should update. My sister and nephew have been here the past few weeks so I haven't really had time just to waste it on my blog (though my posting on SDN didn't seem to slow down much. J/K) I'm still kind of in shock from my MCAT score (PS - 14, VR-13, BS-14 - for those of you who can't read it in the pic). This opened up a ton of doors I never thought would open for me. So I've added a bunch of schools to my list. I got a message through SDN that lead me to more seriously consider Baylor and the more I read about it, the more I hope I get accepted there. It just seems a really good fit for me. Though I can't get over the nagging feeling that I am somehow too dumb to go to school there. People might argue pointing out my MCAT score but I really still believe somehow that score was just dumb luck. But for so long I let my insecurities stop me from reaching my full potential I'm going to wrestle with them from now on because I don't want them to stop me anymore.

I'm busy filling out secondaries. I've got Baylor and everywhere in TX (except TCOM) done. I've got GW and Georgetown sitting in my inbox begging me to finish them. I'll read more about both schools this afternoon to try and make the decision on whether or not to fill out those bad boys (both require a fee over 100 bucks so I better be damn sure).

Is it arrogant of me to wonder if I made the highest score at my school? I'm just wondering because some of the other student make my mind melt with their ignorance but some of them are quite bright.

2006-06-19T19:12:00.000-07:00

WHOO HOO!!!

Yay for surveys that waste my time...

2006-06-02T09:54:00.000-07:00

This is for your entire life: Nothing will be held
against you!

(x)Smoked a cigarette

(x)Drank so much you threw up - Timmy, you remember New Orleans? LOL

( ) Crashed a friend's car - No, thank you God.

( ) Stolen a car

( x )Been in love - Yes - still am.

( x )Been dumped - Yes, jerk.

( ) Shoplifted - No, I'm not sneaky enough.

( ) Been laid off/fired

( x ) Quit your job $#%^ing pizza

( ) Been in a fist fight - no, but I've almost punched someone.

( x) Sneaked out of your parent's house

( x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back

( ) Been arrested

( ) Gone on a blind date

( x) Lied to a friend

( x) Skipped school - Hello? I've been to COLLEGE.
( x) Seen someone die - Not actually expire, but in the process yes. And I'm sure I will again, many times.
( ) Been to Canada
( x) Been to Mexico: Again, do you know where I live? I could spit INTO Mexico from here.
( x) Been on a plane
( x) Been lost "South, why are we going south?"
( x) Been on the opposite side of the country - Cali.
( x) Gone to Washington, DC - Yes, twice. Favorite memory is in DC
( x) Swam in the ocean - Several Oceans!
( x) Felt like dying
( x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x ) Played cops and robbers - Whoo hoo for Youth workers!
( x) Recently colored with crayons - hee hee, aren't I supposed to fill out my med school apps in crayon?
( x) Sang karaoke - badly. Again, whoo hoo for youth workers!
( x) Paid for a meal with only coins - Kinda easy when you live in the UK.
( x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
( x) Made prank phone calls
( x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of
your nose: Yes, and Jack Daniels HURTS that way.
( x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( x) Danced in the rain
( x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe
( ) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about
( x) Blown bubbles
( ) Made a bonfire on the beach
( x) Crashed a party
( x) Gone roller-skating
( x) Ice-skating
( x) River Rafting
( x)Any nicknames? MK, Monkey, Marbear, Mawy fwiend, VD (don't ask), MiMi
( x)What is your favorite drink? OJ or Lattes
( )Tattoos?
( x)Body piercing? Navel - but I removed it a year ago. I don't have the body I did at 18.
How much do you love your job? So much, I couldn't imagine doing anything else.
Birthplace: Harris Hospital, Ft. Worth, TX

Favorite vacation spot? Belfast, Colorado, N. Carolina

Ever been to Africa? Not yet

Ever steal any traffic signs? Not yet

Ever been in a car accident? Several
2 Door or 4 Door? Hybrid

Salad dressing? Balsamic Vinagrette

Favorite pie? Pecan or Pumpkin

Favorite Number? 32

Favorite movie? So hard to pick! Either Contact or Mr Smith Goes to Washington

Favorite holiday? Christmas

Least favorite? The commercialism of Christmas

Favorite food? Anything Asian except Japanese food

Favorite day of the week? Sunday

Favorite brand of body soap? Dove

Favorite TV show? Now that West Wing is gone, House probably.

Favorite smell? Ecalyptus (man, I spelled that wrong!)

Toothpaste? Oh please, like I brush my teeth!

What do you do to relax? Read, watch movies, sleep

How do you see yourself in 10 years? MD with a wonderful husband

What do you do when you are bored? Read SDN, write emails, watch movies

What do you enjoy receiving? Calls from my friends to say HI

Favorite thing: The Jefferson memorial at night when it's snowing big Frank Capra snowflakes.

2006-05-15T08:12:00.000-07:00

Hee hee - not my cyst. Close though.

Still funny.

2006-05-09T12:07:00.000-07:00

Okay - so I have been commanded to update my blog. Truth is I have been suffering from severe senioritis ever since the MCAT. It's really really bad folks. For example, right now I SHOULD be studying for Bhat's final but I just can't bring myself to do it. It doesn't help that I have somehow managed to loose all my class notes. But Wikipedia is your friend and I have been teaching myself most of what I needed from the articles. I figured out that I just need an 80 to get an A in the class. I've had a 93, 97, and 88 on all my other exams with only minimal studying.

It's possible right?

Anyway - I have my last final tommorrow morning at 7:45 - sucky huh? - then my online Anth final and I am DONE for the summer. Free from all work. Able to do whatever I want... except for that whole pesky application process. So overrated.

BTW, leave a comment if you wouldn't mind reading over my PS and I'll send you a copy. I don't promise entertainment; in fact, it blows quite badly. Any imput is greatly appreciated though

Finally...

2006-04-22T21:27:00.000-07:00

Well that's over. I tamed the beast today. I would say that I thought it wasn't so bad, but the thought that it was easy actually terrifies me. I think it implies I screwed up royally. Oh well, there isn't much I can do about it now.

I had for AP (not that that means much to those of you who did not take the exam). My general accessment:

Physical Sciences: Average, few monster passages about optics, but nothing I completely screwed up on.

Verbal: Eh. This is usually such a crapshoot anyway. I honestly couldn't tell though I felt fairly confident about all my answers. Hopefully this isn't the section to come back and bite me in the butt.

Writing: Oh who am I kidding? I don't care about this section. Boring prompts anyway.

Biological Sciences: I usually love Organic but this form was the attack of the killer observed and absolute rotations. Stereochemistry blows. Especially since it was at the end so it just blind-sided you. Most of it was Genetics, THANK GOD. I'm actually decent at genetics so hopefully this bodes well for my score.

That's as far as my digestion of the whole thing has gone. I doubt I'll be getting much sleep tonight. Still too wound up really.

Quote

2006-04-11T13:22:00.000-07:00

I saw this quote today and I thought it was just so great I had to share:

"Your biggest challenge isn't someone else. It's the ache in your lungs
and the burning in your legs, and the voice inside you that yells
'CAN'T", but you don't listen. You just push harder. And then you hear
the voice whisper 'can'. And you discover that the person you thought
you were is no match for the one you really are."
- Unknown

Saturday fun-time

2006-04-10T08:49:00.000-07:00

I took 7r on Saturday - scored a big ol' 37 (13,12,12).

Yay for that! Too bad I have a genetics exam tommorrow so I can't really revile in my success :(

I'm headed up to school this afternoon to go to a tutoring session; doubt this will help but I was interested in what the tutor actually does. I was thinking about asking if I could do this next year. I really love Genetics and I think it would be fun! (yeah I know, I'm a psycho).

Okay, okay, I'll update...

2006-04-07T16:30:00.000-07:00

Due to the fact that my life is slowly being sucked away by that horrible beast known affectionally as the MCAT, I haven't updated in awhile. I wasn't aware that anyone would really notice til I got a menacing comment from the Timmy (just kidding).

Okay - so nothing really big to update. My life really has been consumed by studying for the MCAT (which is coming up on the 22nd of April, *scared*). I've taken one more practice test since I last posted (6r = 36). I'm really starting to freak out a bit; I keep trying to do things to ease my tension but they aren't really working :(. I keep thinking that I'll totally choke on test day and get like a 19. I know that if I think I'll choke, I will, but if I keep a positive attitude, I'll do just as well on the real beast as I did on my practice exam.

I would say that I don't think my stress level will decrease til after the MCAT, but then I realize it won't even decrease then. Because THEN I get to apply. The thought of that stresses me out more. What if I've dedicated all this time to getting into Med school and they reject me with a "what the hell were you thinking, girl?"

Ack - I don't know if my poor ego could take that.

So enough freaking for one night, sorry it wasn't a happier update but this is where I am emotionally and probably where I'll be for the next couple of weeks. :-(

Whoo hoo practice MCATs!

2006-03-27T07:20:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know I am a bad monkey. I haven't posted in awhile. Sorry about that. I wish I could blame it on class but the truth is that I haven't been insanely busy until now. So in theory, I shouldn't even be posting now... but I wanted to do a recap on my MCAT stuff since yesterday was an exciting day.

Okay my progression has been:
3r = 12, 11, 12 = 35
Kaplan #1 = 11, 11, 11 = 33
Kaplan #2 = 12, 11, 12 = 35
Kaplan #6 = 11, 13, 11 = 35
4r = 10, 10 , 11 = 31 <--- Needless to say, I was a bit disappointed
5r = 12, 12, 13 = 37!!!!! <--- Holy Crapola!!

So I'm thinking 34 +/- 3 pts is a pretty good average!!

I think that's exciting!

Happy Birthday to me!

2006-03-15T14:56:00.000-08:00

24 sounds so old. At least I acted like a kid today...
I made Larry take me to see Curious George for my birthday. That movie is so fun! And I love the new Jack Johnson music. I really need to buy this soundtrack at some point.

On top of this monkey business, Larry bought me the above cookie cake, which was promptly destroyed after this picture was taken.

Also, I got an email from Tim. That jerk is in Athens! I want to be in Athens! It's my birthday and I want to be getting some good use outta those two years of blood sweat and tears poured into Ancient Greek (because it will be so useful in medicine!)

J/K - have fun Timmy!

"Your mother was a hamster and Your father smelt of elderberries!"

2006-03-05T14:57:00.000-08:00

Running away? You yellow . . .

What Monty Python Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

My conversation with da guru.

2006-03-03T13:33:00.000-08:00

I got totally floored yesterday. I was walking up to the computer room down the hall from the Chem professors' offices and I saw my Organic Professor in the hallway. He gives me a thumbs up and I was like, "Aw how cute, he's trying to make me feel better."

Dr. Guru: "You know the translation of this: *thumbs up again*
Me: You're trying to make me feel better.
Dr. Guru: No no - you did well.
Me *hopefully* I passed?
Dr. Guru: You got a 93.
Me: WHAT?!?! (I totally almost said, "You're f*&%ing kidding me right?" but I resisted)
Dr. Guru: *laughing*

I'm not tearing down my self-esteem or anything, I really did think I failed that test. It totally ate my lunch then threw it up on my self esteem. It was a horrific experience. My friends in organic tell me that I need to shut up. Now they don't trust me.

I was like on a cloud all day yesterday. My psycho dreams even abated for a night! Yay!

Today I treated myself by buying a new pair of jeans. No more crotch holes for me!

2006-03-01T11:07:00.000-08:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11611015/?GT1=7850

That's so funny it makes me want to cry. How horribly typical though! I think I could name all of both categories though ;-) Maybe I shouldn't point fingers.

Fun stuff

2006-02-27T06:31:00.000-08:00

I added fun stuff to my blog. There is not a survey about 1/2 way down the right side about your opinion of my chances for med school.

Also, I wish they would hurry up and fix the forums I post on. I swear I'm going into withdrawal or something; on the other hand this has been a very productive weekend ;-)

Organic Chem - oh how I loathe thee

2006-02-26T10:58:00.000-08:00

I took my first Organic Chemistry exam this thursday. I did what I usually do right before an exam: I studied like a maniac for 4 hours culminating in a near nervous breakdown just minutes before the exam. I really think my MP3 player saved my life. I knew that I was going to fail if I didn't calm down but after a few Jack Johnson and Five for Fighting songs I was ready to go.

By the end of the exam I was on the verge of tears. I'm so used to knowing every answer on an exam; this exam totally kicked my butt. It's the first time in a long time (outside practice MCATs) that I can remember looking at a problem and actually having no idea how to work it. Maybe I shouldn't say I loathe OChem, because I don't really. I like that it's hard; I like that it makes me think. I like that I need to logic my way through a problem. It's just so damn hard compared to all the other classes I have taken at PanAm; I guess it blindsided me.

Plus, I'm put in a very foul mood by my score on EK Verbal #7: 10. ACK!! I have been getting solid 11s! Why is my score going DOWN?!? I think maybe I'm over thinking the questions. A ton of my missed answers are only because I was over thinking my exam.

On a happier note, I got my cute valentine's day package from Larry. Hee hee - he gave me Mono for Valentine's Day! Wait, maybe I should explain that...
I got this cute little pinky/purple stuffed animal. I was like, "Well this is cute, what the hell is it supposed to be?" Then I see the tag, "Giant Microbes" It was a 1 million x copy of the Epstein-Barr virus! So geeky yet so cute! I love it! Nerd loving on Valentine's Day!

Oh, I totally forgot...

2006-02-18T13:51:00.000-08:00

So I'm taking Genetics this semester. Everyone told me not to because they said it was just freaking impossible. Yeah what a joke. First exam, hardly studied, got a 96. I went in to ask a question and got 2 points back because apparently I was the first test he graded and he was a bit harsh compared to how he graded other papers. (98 baby -highest grade in the class). I just don't get it, the class is really not that hard. I don't get why people freak out about it.

BTW, Violet, Lisa and I have an evil plan brewing. Hopefully we can get Jose in on it too. I'll update more once our plan to take over the world has sprung into action! Oops, I've already revealed too much!

Yay for places with "Blue" in the name

2006-02-18T08:48:00.000-08:00

I'm sure most of my friends are aware of my love affair with a little restaurant called "Blue Baker" in College Station. I'm proud to announce that I have come across this great restaurant here called "The Blue Onion" - It is too yummy for words! They have fantastic flatbread and amazing spreads for it. Also they have this great gyro that's pretty good for the money (despite my waitress calling it a "guy-ro"). I think I like this place so much because inside this place, I could forget I was in the Valley. It totally feels like some place up north. I like the Valley alright, but at times the culture down here gets to me. I like feeling like I live in a big city or college town sometimes. I have to admit that I have yet to find a decent coffee shop yet; on the upside, that means I haven't been spending tons of money on coffee. I usually just buy some fair trade or chicory coffee from HEB and make it myself.

Okay - so on a more contemplative note... I was thinking about conflict. (Yeah how's that for a 180 change in conversation) Larry and Tim can confess that before I went to Belfast, I wasn't the, um, most rational of arguers. I tended to argue from emotion. It didn't really matter what the person said in reply, I was going to read what I wanted to hear into it and react emotionally to it. Living in Belfast made me realize though: This is a really poor way of arguing. Going with your gut reactions just perpetuates the bad feelings in the argument. I think the best way of resolving conflicts is to attempt to understand what the other person is trying to say. Say you're arguing with someone you care about, just the fact that you care about them means you share some measure of the same values. By attempting to understand what they're trying to say you will reach a better understanding of their point of view. I think this can even extend to groups of people that don't care about each other. Isn't the fundamental basis of the Golden Rule empathy? I think alot of arguments could be solved if people were just more willing to empathize with others.

I think I'm getting the hang of this...

2006-02-11T20:44:00.000-08:00

I know you guys are prob getting bored reading about my MCAT scores but the truth is: nothing much exciting happening to me. My life consists of sleeping, coffee, studying, coffee, class, coffee, sleep, volunteer, coffee.

Today Violet, Jose and I got together to do Kaplan Full Length #2. Turned out pretty well. My VR finally broke the 12 mark which is nice; all that work is finally paying off. PS was an 11 and would have been a 12 if I hadn't bubbled 2 questions in wrong and if I had remembered how to work Electrolytic cells (I HATE THOSE THINGS!). BS was 11 and I was estatic about that as it was mostly biochem/orgo and endocrine, neither of which I have gone over yet.

So if you're keeping track my practice MCATs have been: 35, 33, 34.

So excited about this!

Fridays ROCK!

2006-02-10T20:28:00.000-08:00

There was supposed to be Urologist tonight at the clinic. I say supposed to be because he never showed up; Don't worry! None of the patients did either. That cracks me up! Well at least no one went home disappointed! Violet and I stayed later and finished cleaning up the back room. Shirley was nice enough to order us pizza and we all had this great conversation about what it's like to work in the Valley. At times it reminds me of a third world country. It's amazing how sheltered people can be to that reality though. Shirley told me about a woman who was shocked to learn that some people couldn't afford the medications they need. I agree, it's shocking. And you should be shocked. You should be shocked completely out of complacency and realize that this world needs help.

But I'll stop myself from getting on that soapbox before I even start.

I realized tonight why I love volunteering with Violet so much. She gets as excited as I do about the little "mundane" things that need doing around the clinic (stocking meds, filing charts, moving stuff, etc). I love doing that stuff because I think, "Because I'm here doing these things, those people have a place to come to get medical care. Those people who had no other option don't have to suffer through their illnesses in silence."

Yes, yes, I'm a goober I know.

But, I came in early this morning to take an Examkracker's verbal practice MCAT because I knew I wouldn't get the chance to do it tonight. So I came in and did it in the worst possible testing conditions. Right next to Shirley's phone which was ringing off the hook, the door was dinging as patients came in. I even contrained myself for time; I only gave myself 60 minutes as opposed to 85. And you know what? I didn't do half bad. I got a 44/60 which is about a 9. I have been getting high 11s and was 1 away from a 12 last time. Considering I'm only really shooting for a 30 total, I'm pretty happy with my experiment. I'm going to head up to school tommorrow and take the second Kaplan full-length. Wish me luck!

About my last post...

2006-02-10T10:57:00.000-08:00

I realized after I wrote it that it sounded a bit harsh. In reality I was reacting to the quote about executing the cartoonists. The Death Penalty just gets me so up in arms that I'm shocked and angered by anyone advocating its use on "lesser" crimes.
Plus I understand that the Prophet is never supposed to be depicted, but I just wish they would try to understand that there is no restriction like that on the Western media. They can print whatever they want. It might not be sensitive but there ya go.

What is all the fuss about?

2006-02-08T18:13:00.000-08:00

Seriously people.

Unless you have been living under a rock, you've no doubt heard about the horrible blasphemous cartoons the evil Western Society has forced upon some poor unsuspecting Muslims. Well, curiosity finally got the best of me and I went looking for these cartoons. You have no idea how hard they were to find.
At long last here is a link.
Now, once you've looked at them, you'll probably be wondering what all the fuss is about. Seriously people, I've heard worse things said about Christ but I haven't resorted to rioting (yet). I actually heard a man from Saudi Arabia on the BBC advocating that the only way for there to be peace would be if the cartoonists were arrested and EXECUTED. Yes, that's right. EXECUTED.

HELLO!?!

For drawing a picture?
Are you insane?
Oh... You are... Very sorry, my mistake.

Let's pray that Family Guy never goes into syndication in the Muslim World. Good God help us all if that ever happens.

My dad told me that he heard a report once that after hearing about the debacle that was the 2000 election, Saddam Hussein thought there would be a coup.

Does the Muslim world understand us that little? I guess we understand them little better so that road runs both ways. I just can't conceive the mindset that leads to these riots. Come on - people disagree with you. They're gonna. They have the right to disagree in our culture.

And another thing, when in the hell did this become the US's fault? Hello, Denmark is not in the US; I think any Dane would agree. Is Geography another subject that got axed from Fundamentalist Muslim schools?

And another thing! Where was your outrage? Where was your rioting in the streets? Where was your weeping and gnashing of teeth when thousands of Americans were MURDERED in the name of YOUR religion!?! Where were your demonstrations? The original article was about Irony; I think these new articles should be about hypocrisy.

A summary...

2006-02-04T16:12:00.000-08:00

Okay I finally broke down and made one of these. It seems pretty empty without the MCAT score but it's nice to see it all together:
Me, in a nutshell!

So if you're interested at where I'm at in the med school application process, this is a good place to start. I'll update it as I submit apps and refine the list of schools.

warning: this is disturbing!

2006-02-03T19:39:00.000-08:00

Okay this link is really disturbing:
EWWW!!!

Wow if that doesn't make you want to go into medicine I don't know what will.

"This is the non-making out couch"

2006-02-02T19:23:00.000-08:00

So I go to school early on Tuesday and Thursday to get some studying done. It seems like every morning I have come in for the past few weeks there has been this couple in the study room going at it on one of the couches. I'm not talking sweet,cutesy kissing; I'm talking major slurping and obscene movements kind of making-out. It's really gross. Not only are they in there when I study in the morning, but at lunch, in the afternoon, generally whenever I have a free moment to go study. I swear they have radar or something. I guess in a way it's preparing me for real MCAT testing situations. I mean nothing says romance like electron configurations. But come on - get a room please. Preferably not this one.

You know what makes it worse? Everyone knows who I'm talking about. I talked with some people from my O-chem class and they all knew exactly who I was talking about. I swear they must be doing some insane sociology experiment. Cat from my organic class wondered if it was some episode of hidden camera. Man, I really hope so. Then we'd have some hope of this ending soon. My friend Violet and I have decided to make a sign that says "This is the non-making out couch" and place it on the wall over the couch. Maybe that'll get our damn point across.

But we all know college relationships - this will be over in a month. Until then, I guess this is why God invented MP3 players.

Update

2006-01-30T12:36:00.000-08:00

So I just found out that using the proper chart for that exam, my score has changed:
11-11-11

So from Miss Inconsistency to Miss Consistency!

Take it again practice MCAT...

2006-01-30T11:44:00.000-08:00

... though not as much as you took it before.

I took my 2nd practice MCAT. The only problem: no raw to scaled conversion chart. I used the one from AAMC and it scored out to a 32. But here's the breakdown:
PS - 8 VR - 13 BS - 11

You remember that song you used to sing in elementary school?
"One of these things is not like the other, One of these things doesn't belong!"

Just call me Miss Inconsistency!

I kinda know why I crapped out so much on PS.
1. I was working on a mother of a headache and since I wanted to keep it real, I put off taking my meds til a break.
2. I totally forgot Colomb's Law. Yeah I know I'm an idiot. I swear I thought it was over r and not r^2 - there goes 5 questions right there.

But no excuses this just makes me want to study more. Plus it kinda makes me feel better about the crap 11s I have been getting in EK verbal. No offense to anyone. I know alot of people would kill for an 11 in Verbal but I was an English major. If that's not good for a 13 I don't know what is!

Still, a 32 is good. I'm feeling better and better about this exam.

Schedules and brain tumors...

2006-01-28T13:41:00.000-08:00

Sorry to everyone for going silent for awhile. The first few weeks have been really hectic. I didn't realize how much studying for the MCAT, taking 14 hrs and volunteering 20 hrs a week was going to suck up my life. Reading the posts on SDN it seems like this would be next to no work. I see people posting all the time about working 40 hrs a week, taking 12 hours and having a family. Seriously, they're either lying or don't deal with it as well as they play it off. There just aren't enough hours in the day. Then there's my extreme need for sleep - I get about 8 hrs a night but I could do with 10 hrs. I never really feel rested.

But then again, it's not just the schedule that has been keeping me busy. I sent out this email to a bunch of people in my address book, but maybe not everyone. Anyway, here's the real reason I haven't posted much:
A couple of weeks ago I went to the Neurologist about my headaches and he diagnosed me with tension migraines (Oh fun, you say. But wait, it gets better.) But he sent me for an MRI to make sure it wasn't anything more serious. Well on the MRI there was this massive dark spot - like a gaping hole in my head 1.5 cm across("But Mary," You say, "We always knew there wasn't anything in your head!" But wait this gets better.) So I go to talk to the radiologist (MRI guy) and he says "Well this could be this complete beign condition or it could be an aneurism or it could be a tumor. We won't know til you get an MRA. (MRA = magnetic resonance angiogram, basically an MRI that looks at the blood vessels in your head.) So I was supposed to go in to have this done but my insurance was being a pain and wouldn't authorize this (I have never wanted to be on the NHS so bad in my life.) So it had to be put off, so for a week I was stressing wondering if I had a brain tumor or what was going on. Then I go in to have the angiogram done and because of the nature of the exam it took awhile to process so more stressing. Turns out I have an arachnoid cyst (have fun with that one, Niche) on the 4th ventricle of my brain. Completely beign, other than headaches. So basically $2400 (1200 quid) later I have them tell me I have a condition which causes headaches. Which is what I went in for in the first place. I could have told them there was something wrong with my brain w/o the MRI.

Sounds like fun, right? :-P

My mood has not been improved by the fact that not only is my Verbal MCAT score not improving, it's getting worse. Fan-tastic!

So I stole this from Ryan...

2006-01-26T13:55:00.000-08:00

Four jobs that I've had:
Research Assistant at an Entomology Lab
Pizza Cook
Missionary/Volunteer
Lifeguard

Four movies that I can watch over and over again:
Love Actually
Hunt for Red October
Lilo and Stitch
Much Ado About Nothing

Four places I've lived:
Fort Worth
South Texas
Belfast, NI
K-town

Four TV shows I love to watch:
West Wing
Scrubs
Battlestar Galactica
House, MD

Four websites I read daily:
Studentdoctor.net
Bbc.co.uk
my stupid online anthropology class
my email I guess

Four places I've been on vacation:
Las Vegas
Hawaii
Donegal, Ireland
Tuscany, Italy

Four favorite foods:
Migas
Green Peas
Breakfast Tacos
Peanut Butter Cup Ice Cream

Four places I'd rather be:
(I'm in the computer lab at school - any place is better)
The pool
Belfast (I miss my house and flatmates :-( )
w/ Jacque or Larry or Tim or any of my friends I haven't seen in awhile
Taking a nap

If you read this, consider yourself tagged! Copy the text and list your own four. Get on it!

Clinic days...

2006-01-13T15:03:00.000-08:00

I love working at the clinic. When there are patients in, I wonder how I could have ever wanted to do anything else with my life. Where there are no patients in, I want to slowly exsanguinate myself with a paperclip. It's bad. Really bad.

Like stocking pills, I'm pretty sure this activity should be classified as cruel and unusual torture under the Geneva convention. If I see one more lexapro or hazaar pill I'm going to stab someone with a needle. (which is ironic I now realize) I don't know how pharmacists do it. Godspeed to all you pre-pharm people out there. It's a dirty job but someone needs to do it and it sure as hell better not be me.

It never fails to astound me how absolutely exhausted I am when I get home. And I barely did anything today. I didn't even listen to my MCAT books so I don't even have the mental exercise excuse!

So about the Practice MCAT thing, several people have told me that the 3r is the easiest of the AAMC exams... damn it! Oh well - take 3 points off and you still have a 32 which is fine by me.

35 - Take that MCAT!

2006-01-11T22:18:00.000-08:00

So I got a 35 on my practice MCAT. All I'm shooting for is a 30 so Larry just informed me that I have 5 points of "I'm drunk, I'm hungover, I don't feel good, and I'm not as smart as I thought I was" to play around with. Yay.

Yay spring semester

2006-01-10T19:36:00.000-08:00

You know what's a great feeling? Thinking you have to go to school on Thursday but then realizing you're off til the next Tuesday. Ahhhh... it's like waking up and then realizing you have another hour to sleep.

Practice MCATS

2006-01-10T09:32:00.000-08:00

So I found out over the break that I didn't get into the test prep course the school was offering. Can't really say I'm overly broken up about this as it would have meant giving up friday nights and Saturday mornings for a semester. (That will probably happen anyways, but committing to that all at once is kinda scary). Anyway, it means I need to tackle this MCAT biotch by myself. Something I am NOT looking forward to doing. I'll be taking a practice MCAT tommorrow and crying myself to sleep tommorrow night. So if anyone feels like praying for me, it will be genuinely appreciated. Nothing like an exam that could make or break the rest of your life to get that ol'ulcer bleeding again. Ack!

Good thing is that I got a 3 hr private study session with Larry to explain a bunch of the O-chem that will be on the exam. Nothing like a brilliant boyfriend to give you that head start.

4.0 baby

2005-12-09T21:43:00.000-08:00

That's right. This girl got a 4.0 this semester. Including a 100 avg in Organic Chem - take that stereochemistry! I don't even need to take my physics final. I'm so happy. One semester of a post-bac down - at least 2 more to go. I'm glad it's over to tell you the truth. I'm ready for a bit of a break, even if it means I'll need to study my butt off for the MCAT in April. We had a study group for the O-chem final; it just degenerated into watching Soapy videos and me running outside every 10 minutes to get some air. You never get stuff done at those things. Still, it was that or finish my book. Wait a minute... why wasn't I finishing my book?

So what have I been doing with my well earned time off... well playing with my new cell. It's great; never had a camera phone before but I have a feeling it's going to be great. I already have a pic of Vin Diesel up as my wallpaper. That will last as long as it takes me to take a picture of Christian and get that up there, my lil'cutie.

Speaking of Vin Diesel, I found a myspace account that claimed to be him and requested an add. We'll see if it goes through. Don't worry, I'm under no delusions that it's really him. I just think it's going to look funny as hell on my profile.

Speaking of myspace, I swear people, YOU'RE and YOUR are not the same word. Please stop using them interchangibly, it's pissing me off!! You're is a contraction of YOU ARE and YOUR is possessive! Come on people! Oh and for the record, WHOSE and WHO'S are not the same word EITHER!!! Okay my little grammar rant is over.

t-2 hr 45 min...

2005-12-07T12:55:00.000-08:00

So I have less than 3 hours to study for a really memorizing intensive finals. And I just can't make myself study. I basically have an A for sure if I don't do something absolutely idiotic on this final (by idiotic I mean not studying at all, like right now) - and I just can't make myself study. This is supposed to be hard right? I'm supposed to be stressed all the time, tearing my hair out, trying to get into med school, but all reality I'm sitting here typing on my blog and not worried in the slightest about my grades. I want a challenge, I really do. I don't remember the last time this school challenged me academically. I know, funny thing to bitch about huh?

I'm enjoying this new MP3 player though; I was feeling slightly guilty about it but now I'm listening to Five for Fighting and really just to mellow to care. Two things I've fallen in love with since I moved home: Pandora (for finding all those great bands I've never heard of) and Netflix (slowly working my way through Frank Capra and Jimmy Stewart's entire career, it's fantastic).

Okay - I'll go back to attempting to study now...

The big decisions in life...

2005-12-07T08:06:00.000-08:00

So to anyone who thinks I'm just a smidge afraid of committment you'll be happy to know I got a new cell phone today. Well I ordered it. My dad and I got the t-mobile family plan which is great because he doesn't use it much which means I'll get to use most of the minutes. I suspect it will be much easier to get ahold of me now. Plus the phone I ordered (unfortunately not the cool one with bluetooth because they ran out of that one) has international texting capabilities so you peeps in Belfast, get ready to be inundated with texts ;-). My dad's so going to kill me after the first bill... hee hee.

So my new big decision is to go to this pre-med thingie tonight or not. I mean I don't know that many pre-meds, and just a few I actually like all that much. The ones I do like are either not in the pre-med club or have switched to pre-dent or pre-PA or they're fish and don't really give a damn about this kind of thing. Plus it's in Gattiland - please, I got enough of that place in HS since it was just about the only decent place in K-town, well besides Chilli's.

Okay, I should go. I have a final tonight that I haven't started studying for. Oopsies. :-P

Finals

2005-12-05T11:41:00.000-08:00

I remember finals as being a really stressful time, mostly because I always had at least 3 term papers due and I was living in my room reading articles. This year I only have 2 finals and both should be fairly simple, so I should be out having fun with my friends. Well that could be a problem...

Seems like all my friends are spread to the four winds. I have friends in DC, I have a friend in Cali, I have friends in Atlanta, Ohio, St. Louis, Houston, Belfast, Indy... I'm at no shortage for friends, and I have some of the best ones in the world but still, it's been hard to make friends here. Mainly I think because I have absolutely nothing in common with 19 year olds whose crowning achievement in their lifetime is the bitching new Ipod Nano their Daddy just bought them. I know I was just like them at 19, but come on, how can you live with having all the emotional depth of a kiddy pool? Yeah going out and having a few drinks with your friends is fun, so is graduating from college. So is having a meanful relationship with someone who can finish your sentences. So is writing a fake bio about someone and posting it on the internet... you know, doing things not just because they're cool but because they're a natural outcroping of the person you are, of the person you're becoming. In the past few months I've met a dozen of the same person. Now don't get me wrong, I've met some very cool very nice people as well. But it's human nature to see the bad and not the good.

Another useless website!

2005-12-05T11:37:00.000-08:00

Here's a link to another useless website I found (well actually not me, Larry, but still a cool website!):
Pandora

Ian, if you still read this, I think this is really up your alley! You rate a few songs and then the computer analyizes them and give you other songs it thinks you might like as well. Pretty good and fairly acurate so far.

Pictures from Re-entry

2005-11-23T12:36:00.000-08:00

Alexis and I - aren't we cute!

I think maybe I should explain this picture. Remember the skit we did at re-entry. This is Melissa telling me, "That's not how Gordon did it." I think the look on Ian's face is priceless.

What you can't see in this picture is that all the candles are resting on a world map. Each candle represents a different person who went abroad last year. I think that's a pretty powerful image. The world likes to think that our generation, specifically our American generation, is completely apathetic to the plight of the rest of the world. People back home thought of us as bringing light into the world. Maybe I felt that same way when I left. I can tell you now that I feel like we left our home to have our flames re-lit in our new homes and to carry that hope back home.

Pretty self-apparent meaning.

Nifty little website...

2005-11-23T07:19:00.000-08:00

In case you were curious, I found this great website while doing research for my Organic Chem Lab final (yes, that's true, I'm not just making up an excuse).

http://www.energyfiend.com/death-by-caffeine/

Apparently it will take 320 cans of DP to kill me - yeah I think I'd get diabetes first.

Crash

2005-11-18T18:15:00.000-08:00

Sorry guys, I wrote this post awhile ago and never actually posted it. Anyway, here's some old ramblings:

My dad and I just finished watching the movie, Crash. If you haven't seen this movie, you really really need to see it.

The movie is about a group of unrelated people whose lives crash together during a 36 hr period, think Love Actually only grittier and not so idealistic. The movie portrays racism and prejudice in American culture. The movie depicts how powerfully our prejudices can influence our lives. I would like to believe that no one is as racist as the movies depicts them as but I know that is naive of me. Towards the beginning of the movie there is a scene where a racist white cop molests a black woman on the street and she's powerless to stop him. Later there is a powerful scene where the cop redeems himself. The truth is that nothing is how it seems at first in the movie. The bad guys end up being the good guys and the good guys end up being the bad guys, or, as you realize by the end of the movie, it's much more complicated than that.

The whole movie got me started thinking about Belfast. It was so easy for me to dismiss the whole situation by saying, "Well no one is in the right there." But in America, where I have to live as a member of one side, it's not so easy to dismiss. And yet, the same is true. There are no good guys here.

The movie starts out as a comment on racism in America but by the end I saw it more as a comment on our common human fraility. Our flaws, our interconnectedness, our forgiveness, our capacity for greatness. It's one of those movies that really changes your perspective on life.

2005-11-15T10:45:00.000-08:00

I found this picture on Ian's blog, which he hasn't updated since we got home so I think it's going to stay that way. I was just thinking about this picture and the fact that there are only three hands in it. I wouldn't trade my relationship with Ian or Melissa for the world but after the healing that went on last weekend, it makes me alittle sad.

I'm also sad to see how damn fat my hands look. Guess it's back to my diet.

Back from Chicago...

2005-11-14T21:08:00.000-08:00

Feels like I have resurfaced after a long time underwater...
Feels like I can feel the rain after a long drought...
and other cliche feelings as well...
I just got back from the YAV re-entry retreat in Chicago. It was a truly amazing experience; I honestly don't know where to begin.

First, for all you people who know about the weird group dynamics with the Belfast group from last year, you'll be shocked to know that is all behind us. I must confess I went into this weekend with alot of trepidation. I knew there would be tension, I knew there would be site-group projects, I figured there would be stabbings, I was pleasantly disappointed. On Saturday at lunch, I was informed that there would be a Belfast site meeting with a mediator and my first reaction was, "Oh crap, this will be bad." How indicative is it of our failure, or at least my failure, not to speak to anyone else's, is a professional mediator coming to settle our disbutes. It was, for me at least, just a capstone on what had been a spectacular debachel. But apparently someone has been praying hard for us, because we got our very own miracle. I won't violate anyone's privacy but suffice to say that at the end of the meeting everyone was hugging and crying. We left this past weekend with no ill will towards each other. There were even tears and affirmations at our last meeting, what a change an hour makes huh?

Secondly, I really do mean those cliche things I said earlier. I think I can describe my mood these past few months as foggy. And even, though I hate to admit it, just a bit depressed. I felt that my time there was over and I was incapable to integrating my experience into my life. I still feel a bit overwhelmed at the prospect of what my life means, what I want my life to become, and all the hard work from now to there. In case you haven't noticed, one of those steps is to keep in better contact with everyone. My thoughts were that if I could cut everyone else out, maybe it would stop hurting so much to be gone. I realize now that was a dumb mistake. All it served to do was make me forget for a time all the love I was so fortunate to receive in Belfast.

But that's enough soul searching for tonight, I have class in the morning!

Deep Thoughts at HEB...

2005-09-02T13:28:00.000-07:00

First maybe I should explain to the people in Belfast that HEB is the Tescos of Texas...

That being said I had a really strange experience shopping today. It was actually not caused by the wild stairs as I carried 12 - 12packs of a variety of sodas around on my shopping trolley (there was a deal so my dad had me stock up). I felt guilty because it was so easy to get food.

Maybe I should back up. I think as the first images from New Orleans came flooding out I was kinda in a daze. They looked like the pictures we saw after the Tsunami so it didn't really hit me that it was happening again. But then something changed. I was watching CNN and they showed a street. A street that my mom and I had gone shopping on the last time we were in New Orleans. At the time it was just like any retail area of any large US city. But in this picture it looked like something had exploded. The debris was everywhere. But it was still recognizable (barely) as that street I had shopped on two years ago. It hit me just then that this wasn't half a world away - it was a state away. Not even a state away. Rick Perry declared Texas in a state of emergency as the cities of Dallas, Houston and San Antonio seek to cope with the hundreds of thousands of refugees flooding into Texas from Louisiana. People are dying of starvation and dehydration. They aren't just sick, they're dying. They are begging the US government to help them. Here I am though. Not even a state away and I can walk into HEB and buy exactly what I need and drive them home in my airconditioned (well, sort-of) SUV. I felt huge waves of guilt. A hurricane hit here not too long ago - a weaker one. There but for the grace of God go I. Those images of the elderly that are dying of dehydration in New Orleans. That could have been my father.

But here's my new moral dilemma... why did it only start to bother me when I realized they were Americans? Why did it bother me that it happened to westerner? Don't get me wrong. I was crying over the victims of the Tsunami as well. But this is different. The richest, most powerful country in the world - we can send aid to people in Thailand but we can rescue people on the continent. But the situations in New Orleans is an everyday fact of life for people living in Africa. Why don't I feel guilty every other time I go to HEB?

On a side note - my sister is a hero. She's down in Louisiana right now working to save the animals affected by this disaster. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

Home safe and sound...

2005-09-01T07:13:00.000-07:00

So I prob should have posted this when I actually got home, like 2 1/2 weeks ago, but I got home fine! Thunderstorms in DFW diverted my plane to Oklahoma City and we sat on the runway for three hours.

I watched a Jennifer Lopez movie. It was horrific. But I got home alright and that's the important stuff. I have, of course, gorged myself on Mexican food since I got home and enchilladas never tasted so good. All that and I have dropped 9 lbs since I got home. Shocking huh? Most of that weight has come off since I have started school and don't have time to breathe let alone eat. I hope most of my friends are too pissed at me for the little to no communication I have had with any of them since I have gotten home. Truth is that I really haven't had a chance to breathe. I am just now starting to settle into something resembling a schedule. I think the culture shock is starting to hit me a bit. Don't get me wrong: I love the States. And I have missed them. But still - I miss Belfast as much as I missed the States while I was there.

I had an interview with a woman who does research on the health care for Latinos in the Valley. It was insightful and I have a couple of good leads for clinics to volunteer with now. If only I could get through on their phone line I would be golden. 20 minutes of trying and nothing but a busy signal. I think I may need to call after hours and leave a voicemail for someone to call me back.

As for classes, Organic is not half as bad as I thought it would be - but maybe that's because I have only had 1 class :-) Alot of people here are very driven to be doctors. But the truth is that I think alot of them are going to have their dreams a bit crushed (hey I admit I may be included in that group). Biology is a waste of my time, "Do you know what an electron is, class?" Me: Yes, a waste of my time, of course I know what an electron is. I'm in college and that's part of the basic curriculum to graduate in Texas. Can we move on please?

Yes I know I'm bitter - I have taken to studying for Organic while in that class. It looks like it may get better though - the next few chapters are titled Proteins, Carbohydrates and Lipids. Looks like biochemistry to me! Which is much more tolerable than having to find innocent little butterflies and shove pins through them.

Okay - well I'm off to study for Physics. Not a hard class but the guy skipped this whole section of stuff I KNOW is on the MCAT so now I get to go learn it myself! If anyone wants to help out with learning about electric field flux please give my cell a call!

Pre-med T-shirts!

2005-08-11T09:58:00.000-07:00

I know, Two posts in one day! Shocking! Simply Shocking!

I just had to share this link:
Be the Doctor you Daddy always wanted you to marry

Prob more interesting to Niche than most of you. I am so buying this if it ever comes up for sale. So funny.

Random Thoughts

2005-08-11T05:32:00.000-07:00

I promise this whole update thing will get much better when I get home.

Last week at the Outreach at church I was the vast majority of the time and sleeping the rest. Not to mention I had a 3 day residential in the middle of the week.

Saturday I went over to Heather's house for a Harry Potter trivia night and promptly got my butt handed me by everyone there including a 5 year old girl. So sad. These people know their Harry Potter. I kinda wish David hadn't been so smug about it though. I had to resort to throwing food at him when he wouldn't be quiet. We played Weakest Link after that; I used played in the losest sense of the word. Barbara fed me answers while I stared at David in bewilderment as he asked me what party Sir Lordy-pants had been elected to in 1984 and yelled BANK when there was no money to bank.

I hate British trivia games.

Monday night the kids threw me a surprise going-away party. It was fantastic. Pictures are soon to follow of Samantha dressed up as a fairy and Jackie dressed up as a man doing YMCA with me in the foreground draped in an American flag. Pictures tell a thousand words so I'll wait til I have those to post.

Last night I went Banana boating with the boys, which means I sat in the boat and called them friggin' eejits as they attempted to climb back on the bananna and succeeding only in tumping it over. Friggin' eejits.

Made me realize how much I love the water though. When I buy a house it's totally going to be on a river or a lake and I think I want a motor boat too.

Went to Margaret's house for lunch and in her garden she has a plant that grows in Texas. I have no idea what it is called, I just knew the smell. It made me terribly homesick. I wonder if a year from now I'll have that same feeling about Belfast.

Well that's enough random thoughts for today.